The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By GoodDog - 09/09/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 51 922

Lisp

By Megan - 23/02/2009 16:47 - Canada

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 988

You deserved it 5 496

Bitchy

By Anonymous - 29/12/2013 21:04 - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 010

You deserved it 4 005

By Failsafe - 09/05/2016 14:35 - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 675

You deserved it 1 454

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 17:20 - United States - Tacoma

Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 126

You deserved it 3 438

Cutting corners

By HALIFAAA - 28/12/2014 13:56 - Germany - Braunschweig

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 526

You deserved it 2 195

They see me rollin'…

By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 10:06 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I got to work and saw a new desk had been setup on stilts. "Oh, who got the standing desk?" I asked. Turns out it's for the guy in the wheelchair who was right behind me. It needs to be high so the controls of his wheelchair can fit under the desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 662

You deserved it 3 863

By Thomas - 13/12/2009 06:46 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing "Happy birthday" with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 769

You deserved it 2 721

By flipflap - 14/06/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 348

You deserved it 7 127

By jeanstein - 23/03/2011 14:58

Today, I got a call from this drunk man, asking for Celeste. Since I don't know any Celestes, I told him that he had the wrong number. He kept calling for her. Apparently he can't take a hint that she didn't give him her real number, and I get to deal with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 564

You deserved it 3 222

By JustMarried - 07/05/2016 21:47 - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 313

You deserved it 4 314

By anonymous - 02/04/2016 04:11 - United States - Westminster

Today, my sister still refuses to pay back all the money she owes me because she once bought me something from the dollar menu at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 029

You deserved it 1 704

Crushed

By ouchie - 02/01/2010 05:26 - Canada

Today, I went to the drugstore to get supplies for my broken toe. Because of the swelling, I could only wear open-toed sandals on this cold day. At the store, a tall, heavy man in winter boots tried to get by me, and ended up stepping on the toes of my good foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 408

You deserved it 2 695

By fml333 - 21/12/2009 19:26 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 641

You deserved it 3 885

By helpme - 24/11/2015 06:34 - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 690

You deserved it 4 671

By happymum - 29/08/2011 11:17 - Netherlands

Today, my husband, who's a recovering alcoholic, and I are on holiday with our kids. He's decided he can have a few drinks because he deserves "a holiday too". He doesn't see why this should ruin ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 657

You deserved it 3 177

happymum_fml tells us more.

happymum_fml 10

Monday 29 August 2011 17:00

He got my point in THE end. Took me a while though!

Mr Boss Man

By jalisc512 - 21/08/2014 20:16 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 482

You deserved it 5 535

Jump start

By stupidlights - 07/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car, which I only realized at lunchtime, so I made sure to turn the lights off, and tried to start it. The battery was dead, so I called my dad to jump start it before I got back from my game. I later came back from the game and the lights were on. He'd left the lights on after jump starting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 489

You deserved it 6 277

Dumpstered

By KO: - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was changing the garbage at a local fast food place where I work. Being a rather short guy, I had to lean back and fling the full, heavy bag at the top. I did so with such force that my head hit the dumpster, knocking me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 975

You deserved it 5 256

By sleepytime - 05/10/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 708

You deserved it 32 949

Very funny, ha ha

By anne - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my 20 year-old son thought it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 023

You deserved it 4 224

Baby come back

By Noname - 16/03/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 065

You deserved it 5 385

By anonymous - 05/05/2015 06:42 - United States - Lakeland

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 488

You deserved it 3 253

Bored

By letmeinplease - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I wasn't allowed to work from home, despite being ill enough to just take the day off anyway, all so there could be "someone to answer the phone." The phone didn't ring once all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 751

You deserved it 3 021

Splosh

By WhosGoingToCleanThisUp - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 084

You deserved it 1 852

By whatarethisss - 29/01/2016 16:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to teach my 16-year-old brother how to use a toaster. He thought you just plug it in and wait for it to "pre-heat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 994

You deserved it 1 695

Weird customer of the day

By ChimerV - 15/11/2014 18:20 - France - Champenoux

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 500

You deserved it 4 169

Oh happy day!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Poplar Hill

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 726

You deserved it 16 189

By Neednewfriends - 11/11/2015 14:38 - Australia

Today, I found out that my "friends" only invite me to their parties when they need a designated driver. Apparently I'm "not fun" because I don't drink, which "ruins the party". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 438

You deserved it 2 674

Jacked

By Anonymous - 22/05/2013 09:44 - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 021

You deserved it 3 841

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The Top

Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire ant hill. Thousands of tiny stinging insects blowing towards you while you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt is definitely not fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 916

You deserved it 5 445

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 987

You deserved it 7 650

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 153

You deserved it 27 637

Today, I had to inform my midlife-crisis husband that the "weed" he had "scored" from his "dealer down the pub" was actually just a lot of mixed herbs. He refused to believe me and smoked it anyway, I mean, I'm only a chef in a restaurant, what do I know about herbs? He's still coughing by the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 171

You deserved it 131

Today, I was offered the job of my dreams until the recruiters had gone through my Twitter account and had seen tweets of me calling another girl a “bitch” and a racial slur during an argument. They rescinded the offer and I’d already quit my last job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 191

You deserved it 2 320

Today, as always, I have a built-in alarm clock: 6-7 hours after going to sleep, I will automatically wake up and easily stay awake. This would be quite handy, except for one annoying detail: I need at least 9 hours of sleep in order to be able to function. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 159