Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. He pointed to two crossed swords above the fireplace and informed me the right one is his, and that if I ever hurt his daughter, he’ll give me a fighting chance by letting me use the left one. This guy thinks he lives in the Middle Ages or something. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML
Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML
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Top comments
Trembelwick 5
Ex-Marine used Slash on the wild enemy Boyfriend! It was super effective!
xii_clueless 0
Oh the joy of fatherly love ;]
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Comments (301)
crushedone 7
Don't worry...your dick will be a much more difficult target.
iceman420son 7
Yea mine wouldent be the stump but the whole tree
KeyboardWarrior 10
That's pretty disgusting. Your dick isn't measured in inches, but ft.?
ISMUGGLEMIDGETZ 3
Lolol I see what you did there! ;D
l0v3p4in 7
And this, OP, is what you will be doing to your daughters' boyfriends.
malbig776 1
Ex-marine is incorrect once a marine always a marine just saying u better be scared lol
dragonstrike94 8
They call cadavers ex marines
Grover217 0
Get it right. it's former marine, not ex
PInK_ExCiTeD 7
Yeah what 20 said marines are no joke!
TSN619 7
No jackass it's not former or ex Marine it's Marine get it right
ogle5431 1
Yep. Once a loser always a loser.
SpunkyyyMonkeyy 10
Your a ******* asshole. These people die for our flag and freedom and you sit here and say this shit about them. Not many people are willing to take a gun and go to another country where everyone wants to kill them and take mortars and bullets for about 360,000,000 people's freedom. How about your think asshole before you go running your goddamn punkass mouth.
ultra_notorious 26
beat me to the punch, was thinking the same thing even though they belong to the USN!
effedml 5
Good dad!
Chavez45 2
There are no ex marines get it right. Maybe he should cut your dick off.
KrayKrayGurl117 7
Well you should never break a girls heart in the first place!!!
bballforward33 10
Uhh ya easier said than dine
RabidBunny 10
Things like this make me feel glad to be single.
csi_fml 19
Agreed
laden_swallow09 35
Yep! Being single doesn't suck… being alone, however, does. Stolen quote
beast_adh4 6
not being single sucks if their parents know but its worse when they talk shit behind your back
tmbfan 11
Whenever a girl's dad threatens me like that it just makes me wanna break up with her that way I preserve my dick.
Crazberry 5
Yes, nothing more important than that. Enjoy your lonely ass life sir.
tmbfan 11
Ever heard of mistakes? If you accidently mess up with a girl and she goes and tells her dad, her dad being the kind that threatens to chop your dick of there goes that for ya.
downtime 13
55, I fail to follow that backwards logic of yours. Avoid psycho father in law...=...forever alone? Uh...?
phatdaddy62 23
TMBfan, I think you're protecting your pussy!
tmbfan 11
Nope, it's my dick.
ppatty 0
yea besides he doesn't know anything about girls he's only 14
bugmenotmofo 34
If PUA = pickup artist, then YDI for being a douche.
Aggro4u2c 0
There are no ex-Marines. Once a Marine, always a Marine.
miss_madison 10
Oo-ra