Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1 p.m., smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4 a.m., jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it's the sixth day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML
Today, I spent hours in town getting everything I'd need to make dinner, taking the cat to the vet, getting gardening supplies, and filling up our extra tanks with gas for the mowers. I came home, only for Mom to wordlessly plunk down an empty pack of cigarettes, and grin like a Cheshire cat, then sip her wine. FML
Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML
Today, I was in a hurry to get to work, and in my car I had two drinks settled down in my cup holder. One was my coffee, and the other was an unfinished cup of coffee where I ash and toss my cigarettes. FML
Today, I was supposed to wash my wife's underwear, then go to work and interview a new educator at 10.30am. I ended up smoking weed, getting stoned, and sitting in my car at 11.00am at a McDonald's. I'm now sitting at my desk and still high as fuck. FML
Today, my husband went out for a walk. My kids were tucked in bed and all the chores were done, so I finally had time to myself in a long time. I just wanted to watch porn and masturbate, but then my husband returned early to kiss me good night, and my son snuggled into my bed as he had a nightmare. Me time? Lol. FML
Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I take that long. FML
Today, I realized the only way for me to actually socialize is to smoke a joint. FML
Today, I gave a man a cigarette. He spent the rest of the day so far following me around, telling me all about his medical history, and chasing after me when I got too far away. I couldn't get rid of him for hours. FML
Today, I got off a boring day at work and went to the casino because my wife wanted me to go and it sounded fun. I have been sitting here doing nothing but talk about people's lives in the non-smoking section. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
lavagirl 0
OMG.....is this my ex-husband?
Timmytwofinger 0
just top it off and invest in a bong
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (146)
abadbassist 0
That sounds ******* mint. Admittedly, I'm more of a drinker than a smoker, but sweet. **** uni and **** my job: I wanna loaf, drink and wank.
medeea 0
haha i sometimes wish i could do that. (except the jerking off part)
duderanch 0
then do somthing about your life! and stop smoking cigg. smoke weed, and when you're high it feels better to jerk off:P
jessemejia19 0
nikka why dun chu come and jerked me off u stupid ass bitch get a damn job!!
hiyoko 0
sounds exhiliariting.
MDNL 0
get off ur ass and get a life YDI
denise1165 0
Well at least you have a routine
2gether4ever 0
get a life !!
nessalujin 0
I'm not gonna be a hypocrite like all these people and tell you to get off your lazy ass, but if it's occuring EVERYDAY then yes, so get help.
iGotBadHumor 0
Damn, I wish my arm will ever be trained as much as the one you have...