Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML
Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML
Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML
Today, my daughter expressed wanting to lose weight so I took her to a licensed dietician nutritionist to get her a healthy eating plan, and even made her an appointment with a personal trainer to get her on track. I walked in on her eating a whole box of laxatives, because "this way is faster." FML
Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML
Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML
Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML
Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML
Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML
Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML
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Top comments
thats_my_job 11
You couldn't stop your child? I'd never let my daughter take any sort of candy from a stranger. I would have said no, given a reason and distracted my daughter with something else.
chubbybunny963 7
Sounds like a shitty situ- *gets shot*
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Comments (107)
LolPieRofl 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Woah, the heck did i just read?
camsterjoe 12
You read, that an old lady has a laxative, a four year old ate it. let the bowel movements commence!
NzaHaFML 13
That's what I wondered when I read your profile, except a bit more colorful.
LolPieRofl 11
Sorry my friend was using my phone
LolPieRofl 11
What i was gonna say when i actually read this is how the hell does a four year old push a grown women out of the way?
toenibbler 14
No offence but your friend using your phone is a poor excuse for a poor comment.
mod3rator 2
Did he push passed you and take it from an old lady?
CallmeRyuzaki 0
She's a baby she-hulk.
pradip 26
13- thanks for the tip, I could use it sometime. No, most of the time.
tsent8 15
(In zoidberg voice) your comment was bad and you should feel bad!
FiestaInMyPants 8
9 - It's actually the opposite of a laxative. It firms the excrement. :P
tjv3 10
Op how much of a pansy are you that you got pushed aside by a small child? YDI . FMl for you little girl for having a weakling as a parent
LolPieRofl 11
Thread jacker much?
xWhackedPanther 18
Can you guys like shut up the comment wasn't even bad you judgmental fcks.
MatteKudasai 17
174- Welcome to the Internet.
tsent8 15
193- to further her welcome she also spelled **** wrong.
Gman1234gman 7
we have the same pic
malfanese 6
I hope the old lady had to sit next to you!
Charmillionaire 13
Psh. I hope the old lady gets ran over by a truck.
SammyS2012 21
Well that escalated quickly.
chubbybunny963 7
Sounds like a shitty situ- *gets shot*
lilhellian 27
Let this be a warning to all of y'all. *puts away sniper rifle*
newbiehere99 6
R.I.P. Chubbybunny FML Life: ?-2012 She was a funny, witty, pretty young lady who saved many commenters from death. She will remembered as the one who took a shit for the team. EDIT: I mean shot* for the team.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
OP, next time a stranger offers you or your daughter chocolate, you know what to doo-doo. *dodges sniper bullet*
Enslaved 38
*Shit works well too-- considering that's what we're talking about. (:
lilhellian 27
*Appears behind 51 and slits his throat* I knew you would dodge it. So I used it as a distraction.
lilhellian 27
*Pulls out lightsaber* Do not start what you don't intend to finish. Padawan..
tsent8 15
But both of you are wrong penguinbitch I AM YOUR FATHER!!!
lilhellian 27
So I'm the fool.. little do you know I learned from master Matka Kordai the original jedi.. You sure you want to do this.
lilhellian 27
*Uses jedi mind trick and send them away* We shall fight someday. Wether we are on same side or not depends on you. There is a mysterious force looming about..
lilhellian 27
On a battlefield* Damn how did I leave that out?
SqueakyChipmunk 22
I came to **** shit up.
lilhellian 27
squeeky my pic is a pomeranian chipmunk
chubbybunny963 7
This thread...goodness gracious. Oh and I'm alive :)
SqueakyChipmunk 22
114) Say what!? I don't remember giving birth! All this pot is giving me short term memory. Oh well. What shall we call him/her?
lilhellian 27
I left you alive to give you the option of joining me or die.
lilhellian 27
118 She's a her. I'll leave the name to you. :)
chubbybunny963 7
I will join you, but please spare me
lilhellian 27
You are spared. *hands you a sniper* You know what to do in my absence..
SqueakyChipmunk 22
122) LET'S CALL HER JOEY
lilhellian 27
Yay our lil Joey! :)
mb2_native 15
Not sure about anyone else, but I had a mini movie playing in my head while reading those about a cute deadly puppy and a penguin. I think I may need to be medicated after that, mindblown..
mb2_native 15
Furry penguin*
lilhellian 27
Sargent: They're sending in bird commentors.. Shall I rally the snipers and jets? Me: Yes, take no prisoners. Send a ground force to directly attack.
Big_lama6 7
DUMBLEDORE!
lilhellian 27
Squeaky: My spies tell me that they have Sirinz on their and are contacting old elites. Me: No matter, we have alan and the original jedi council. Little do they know I have most of the old elites on my side. This war will leave noone and no area untouched.
gc327072 31
One does not simply make an awesome thread.
lilhellian 27
Third in command puppy: Word is Penguin is going to kimino and they're retreating to middle earth. Me: Proceed inblowing up kimino with the death star. Do not let our forces in middle earth. The force tells me there is something there.
lilhellian 27
Kamino* Bleh typos.
EpicBlondie89 19
This thread made my night. Thank you!
lilhellian 27
*goes to the forbidden area of space to the planet of the force* *learns the secret of the force and becomes a super jedi* Squeaky: Hmm the death star no longer replies. Send the forces. *spy arrives* spy: The enemy is 6 million strong. I'd suggest you send the 6th division 8 million strong.
lilhellian 27
Did our whole thread get deleted?
lilhellian 27
*Extends hands for peace*
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Wait, what did I miss?!
lilhellian 27
An awesome war between me and penguin. I'm really curious as to why it's gone.
tsent8 15
Wtf where did all the comments on this one go?
Cartera 10
Yeah. That was a funny thread too
gc327072 31
(in voice of llamas with hats) But mooooooodddddssssss that annoys people.
OhAidan 7
201- It appears as if... They all got shot!
sens3sfailing 25
I almost want to make the first comment "first" just to see what hilarious story sirin would change it too. it would make me look like I made fun of myself a shit ton, but I make fun of myself all the time, so honestly, it would probably be more funny than insulting, but anyone who makes first comment say "first" does honestly deserve it.
mduffy08 8
"BOOM HEADSHOT!"
aerogxt 7
*BOOM* CUMSHOT
vuragado 10
I'm still wondering how you zone out about those things 229
thats_my_job 11
You couldn't stop your child? I'd never let my daughter take any sort of candy from a stranger. I would have said no, given a reason and distracted my daughter with something else.
ambear26 14
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You gotta admit when the daughter pushed her aside and shoved the chocolate in her mouth there was no time for op to stop her.
RuCheezBurger 10
I agree, it shouldn't be that hard to stop a 4 year old child from taking a "candy" from a stranger. And the fact that your 4 year old managed to push you aside and take it without you stopping her just blows me away.
mousey119 4
My daughter would always ask first she would never just take without permission & she would say please and Thankyou, not just shove me out of the way, take it & eat it, and my daughters 3.
goose12321 11
28 you just restored my faith in humanity.
happle 21
Why didn't OP ever tell her daughter not to take candy from strangers? D:
DracoSpirita 21
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
16 - My four-year-old cousin is incredibly strong for his age. He's able to push me over. Mind you, I'm only 100 pounds, so it's really not too hard, but still.
Migole 36
I completely agree with all of you. I mean how fast did that child take and swollow the "chocolate" that there was no time for the mother to stop her?? I'm also quite surprised how this child seems to lack any form of displicine. When I was little I would never take anything without asking my mother first and I wouldn't act like a rabid dog that hasn't eaten in days, but thank the person kindly and eat the gift later Oo So op, for the sake of your child: - Train your reflexes. You will need them with young children around. - Discipline your child for god's sake - Explain to her why she shouldn't take stuff from strangers (although maybe she learned her lesson after this incident)
awkward_gothlady 32
Comments like these are the reason I'm child-free. Yes, parents should have control over their kids and yes, they should teach them proper behavior, but it has got to get old after awhile constantly being blamed for the actions of a very immature person who happens to have free will and will, on more than one occasion, do really stupid shit that you might not be able to stop in time.
Ameel_fml 19
@ #141: That's one of the joys of being a parents. You are ALWAYS responsible for your child's actions, because your child is still growing and learning about the world around them. And it's up to you to make sure they don't run into traffic, or fall into a pool, or get kidnapped, or eat potentially-dangerous food from a complete stranger. Because they might not understand that their actions have consequences, but the parent should. Personally I don't understand how a small child COULD push a parent aside, take chocolate from a complete stranger, and scarf it down quicker than the parent can say no. OP should just be thankful it was only laxatives, and not something potentially more dangerous.
philipino 24
"No, you can't have any of that candy. You know why? That candy will make you ******* SHIT EVERYWHERE." *pimp slaps old lady and daughter*
jdmur 6
That's what your daughter gets for being so aggressive. I bet she's suffering more than you!
onlychildFTW 34
Let's hope her daughter was wearing some sort of diaper or pull up. Or that isn't good at all.
lilhellian 27
when she says uh oh aim it out window an the wind cleans it up..
jdmur 6
Hopefully! But A 4-year-old with a diaper or pull-up is unlikely :/
lexa1love 16
I think it depends on the parents. I know of some parents that don't start potty training till 4 years.
jdmur 6
I said unlikely for a reason ya know. But a preschooler in diapers? Yikes
onlychildFTW 34
I know a kid who went to preschool and elementary in diapers.
jdmur 6
Poor kiddo
asb818 14
Why haven't you taught your 4-year-old to NOT take "candy" from strangers?
vhivfe 3
Maybe OP didn't think her daughter is old enough to understand?
equin0xx 6
Shit, I knew that by the time I was 4, so obviously she's capable.
Rosie_Posie43 12
I'm sure she'll never take candy from anyone from now on.
klovemachine 24
It's easy to teach, harder to learn or execute :D
ViviMage 40
Candy from strangers is bad enough. Ex lax from strangers??
MandySkittles 18
How much do you weigh, twenty pounds? How does a four year old 'push you aside'? That's some awful parenting right there, well deserved!
lilhellian 27
I see it as more of ran past then pushed out way.
DracoSpirita 21
8 - My four-year-old cousin is very strong for his age. He's capable of knocking me down. Mind you, I'm only 100 pounds, so it's really not too hard, but still. It's not impossible for OP's daughter to push her over.
savage93 11
Someone gets on a plane that crashes and burns to ashes, and the guy that has a strong daughter has a bad life! Nice.
botanistjessica 24
Way to post the same comment in two different replies, 98. You must be desperate to be heard.
crduncan 6
Okay, we get it, you're skinny.
boofgall 16
Quick, feed her large amounts of cheese! Maybe she'll become constipated!
FiestaInMyPants 8
That's exactly what ex-lax already does. Give her fiber!
Onmyzephyr 5
84, no. Exlax gives you the runs if you take it when you don't need it.
boofgall 16
84- a lot of dairy can make you constipated.
mod3rator 2
Smells like you have yourself in a sticky situation.
lilhellian 27
*Raises eye brow* I'll let you live for now.. Only because this is half way original.. >.>
tsent8 15
40- no we cannot let them live the agency will kill us. If you won't I will.
missababgaga 19
You should probably teach your child to not take candy from strangers!
diego2k5 6
I think that situation already should tech her not to take candy from strangers ;)
Onmyzephyr 5
Hopefully because this parent has been no good at it.