Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

Like a virgin

Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML

Orders

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and, in the heat of the moment, I cried out for him to go harder. He then had an exasperated expression on his face, and, in an adamantly offended tone, said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he left the room. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

Spread the word

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment. Things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another, and the next thing I knew, she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said, "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

No gods no masters

Today, during a intense orgasm I screamed, "You're my God!" at my husband. Afterwards, he told me I was blasphemous and reminded me that God smites those with false prophets. Needless to say, I think I'll just keep my mouth shut in the future. FML

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

Pick your moments, dude!

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic night. As we were having sex, he decided to say, "Look mom, no hands!" and it totally ruined the mood. FML