Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML
Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML
Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML
Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML
Today, my kid has severe diarrhoea. My husband said he was going out to get medicine. Two long, painful hours later, I find he's out eating and chilling with his friends. FML
Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML
Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML
Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
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Top comments
NoWayLady 13
Paranormal activity 6?
pinkalicious224 7
Call someone to come pick him up. Then you and your husband can get well and clean up the messes he made.
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Comments (122)
perdix 31
Bring him into the bathroom with you. That'll shut the little ****** up, or cause even wilder laughter.
gc327072 31
He will never be able to unsee the horrors of "two parents one toilet"
swagisforchumps 9
At least he's having a good time!
lelo007 11
Yea. I agree with a couple of others who have posted. You should have a family member or close friend come pick your little one up (if that's available to you), that way you two can be sick and not have to worry about the tornado of destruction your toddler may or may not be causing. Sorry to hear about your luck, OP. FYL, indeed, and I hope you feel better soon!
fj19 9
I'm at work trying to recover from the same thing. I'm a security guard stuck in the restroom. **** my clients; they're on their own!!!
DogsPaw 16
You should get fired just for that last part. **** the people that probably pay you?
dhbeaver 9
SeniorHaG 4
Nice comment.
Brownie101abc 7
Call a family member
DocBastard 40
That's not food poisoning. You're both severely hungover from your wild party last night. You should know better than to engage in such bacchanalian shenanigans with a 3-year old in the house. That's right, bacchanalian! Look it up. FML is educational now!
DocBastard 40
Thumbs down for learning! Yay!
Psych101 9
"FML is educational now." Let's be honest, FML has been educational for quite some time. Thanks, Grammar Nazis!
DogsPaw 16
Lots of top FMLers being thumbed down on this one.
Llama_Face89 34
Using big words on the Internet... We can all dream I suppose.
CaptainSaveAHoe 11
FML has been more educational than an english class since I got on here. I do more reading and grammar on here than I did in english. Its like in english, bitch please a red mark isn't gona make me change. But on FML if you make a mistake in your grammar, may god have mercy on your soul.
randomhangul 4
I learned that term in ap lit the other day! yay sycncronicity! (My apologies if I spelt that wrong) learning is awesome 8)
Scarshadow101 6
Oh my. That's never good. You should probably go back to Parenting 101, because if your child is making those noises, you for SURE go out and make sure he's okay. Those noises might not even be him. For all you know, some insane killer has entered your house and is throwing your stuff around. FYL for having such a creepy child (IF it is the child...).
sierra142 19
I'm pretty sure they know the sound of their own child's laughter. It's easy to say go out and check when you're not the one stuck in the bathroom with food poisoning. Judgmental much?
foshizzle82 7
23 - how is the child creepy? He's just running amuck because no ones there telling him he can't. I don't think him being left alone is a good idea, seeing as he's only a child and could hurt himself. But calling him creepy is actually pretty mean. He's just being a kid.
Scarshadow101 6
I'm not calling the kid insane or anything, I'm just saying that most three year olds don't scream insanely, like OP said. Sorry if my comment offended you, it's just I come from a family where if the child isn't being watched, there's a problem. Someone should always be watching the kid, just in case.
zombiekitten87 12
Three-year-olds do scream insanely. They're 3. It's what they do
DocBastard 40
Scarshadow - OP said "wild" screaming, not insane. ALL 3-year olds scream like that. In my house, if I can hear my kids, they're ok. When they're silent, that's when I get nervous.
Scarshadow101 6
Dear me, I'm terribly sorry for posting my opinion about this FML here. It's not like this is a comment board, right? Who gave me the freedom to say something? My mistake.
asleepingbear 8
He probably had too much sugar
dajojonater 3
You guys are using the bathroom at the same time? Cool.
eggmarie 25
Some houses have more than one bathroom...?
KiddNYC1O 22
Even apartments! :O