Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML
Today, I was babysitting to make a few extra dollars. While changing one of the kid's diapers, I turned around to find the other kid gone. I turned back around frantically, only to get poop flung at my face. I guess I found him. FML
Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML
Shitty situation
Today, I had explosive diarrhea. I got off the toilet to change my 3 year-old's poopy diaper. He was being stubborn, so I was going to go back to the toilet, which is when he laid down. I thought I could do it. I couldn't. He ran around diaperless as I ran back to the toilet with liquid shit running down my leg. FML
Surprise!
Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML
Blasted
Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML
Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML
Pride and joy
Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML
Sticky
Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML
Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML
Top comments
xXHollowIchigoXx 17
Hunt the babysitter down and kick their ass.
osteobabe 13
I don't understand why you would go on holiday leaving your 4 year old, let alone leaving him with a babysitter you obviously couldn't trust instead of a responsible family member or friend.
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Comments (152)
ArielTheMermaid 17
Watd
ArielTheMermaid 17
Guys, I apologize for this comment. My younger cousin was messing with my iPod. Please disregard.
stevenJB 25
This is the Internet: you will not be forgiven!
Welshite 40
hwgiewogniy Oops, sorry guys, my alternate identity briefly took over my body. As I was saying, koewgh8ewyneb. Actually, that was just me bashing my forehead against my keyboard in frustration.
Catkam623 27
Not even if you discover the meaning of life. Well maybe of you make up a good pun we could understand
xXHollowIchigoXx 17
Hunt the babysitter down and kick their ass.
tjv3 10
Why didn't you take him with you on vacation? YDI for not including him on vacation. YDI for hiring a crappy baby sitter . Just sayin
bryfer 2
A relaxing vacation with a four year old? Good luck...
gxwyz 2
Or she could just ask Bob the Builder to do that
MDTeddy 13
Maybe the babysitter had a guy over and she had sex with him and kept shouting "I love ass"? Also, she doesn't get paid and never hire her again and tell everyone you know that she isnkt trustworthy. Got that Op?
JoeCookieRaider 5
#112 *just saying.
Rm85RIDER11 12
I'm sure she went on the vacation because her child was making everything a pain in her ass. So she hired a babysitter to go on a peaceful vacation for a little bit.
Pleonasm 36
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You know you haven't had a real vacation til you've freeballed it whilst covered in shit! Stop being a dick in the mud- I mean stick in the mud. And what's wrong with loving ass? Ok so maybe he took the love too far with the poop smear, but it sounds like you're being a party-pooper.
TheGodDamnJoker 9
Well it makes you wonder. What that kid did to that poor babysitter, to make her leave the house. My money would be on, the kid throwing some of that poo on the babysitter. Thats at least what I use to do as a kid, besides for putting a blade in my mouth.
Welshite 40
Oh, Pleonasm... You WOULD know how to celebrate vacations, wouldn't you? I'm sure the ladies swooned when they saw you streaking down the street, covered in fecal matter. If I remember correctly, you even drew tribal patterns on your body in an effort to attract some females.
kirb2154 3
you just went full retard
TheRandomIndian 17
Never go full retard
jelly713 19
Pleonasm, you went a bit too far on this wordplay. Never include children with these adult jokes! Usually, I think your jokes are fine but this is a 4 year old we're talking about, it could offend the OP. Plus, you lost your wits on this one! ]=
whY402Jay 12
Jackass, the child's safety was at hand. And who knows for how long?
Dairyking 8
I'm sorry, Pleonasm. It appears your obviously facetious tone was severely overlooked here.
fksfsdhfsdfh 26
Pleonasm getting downvoted? What is this madness!
livelobster123 14
#66 - *gasp* It could offend the OP? Oh, lord, we don't want to offend the OP! That is scrutiny!
BurnDownTheDawn 11
That's a shitty situation. At least your kid isn't learning a worse phrase.
SuperTroll187 10
"That's a shitty situation". It's like you want to be pelted with a barrage of stones.
JenkJenks 6
I agree though. Your kid could have learned a much worse phrase. Like if he learned to say, "that's a shitty situation".
vadaaa 11
Yeah 59, we get it.
MacMonster 10
Anyone notice #70 is yelling at himself?
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
That's kind of FreshPie's thing- Post a comment, and when it gets downvoted, yell at yourself. He's been doing it for quite a while now.
Bakarra 22
At least people have heard of him, 86.
Llama_Face89 34
We all knew someone would bring up that tired joke.
BurnDownTheDawn 11
Oh come on, someone had to be the asshole to do it.
fksfsdhfsdfh 26
At least people know him
Bigger_than_Jesu 5
I can't stop singing you're new lyrics to Bob the Builder in my head. Definitely that baby sitter should be hunted down...
fml121785 14
Your* You just tried too hard there dear.
osteobabe 13
I don't understand why you would go on holiday leaving your 4 year old, let alone leaving him with a babysitter you obviously couldn't trust instead of a responsible family member or friend.
Obey_StudBoii 23
I was thinking the same thing.
morella_xx 29
I love how on anything that is even tangentially related to parenting, someone will find some reason to call the person a bad parent. Because the real issue here isn't that someone abandoned a 4-year-old, it's that the 300 character limit on FMLs doesn't give us enough room to know the exact situation, so it MUST be OP's fault.
cmayer 20
I've been on vacation with a 4-year-old before. It was the worst vacation of my life. If someone convinces me to have a kid they aren't going on vacation with me until they're 12. Selfish? I don't care. I'm going on vacation, not on a trip to bring my home life to a tropical beach.
junkman6 22
You obviously don't understand the reason a parent of a 4 year old takes a vacation. Hint: to get away from the kid for a couple days. This is one of the few times I would say sue the baby sitter. That person should never be trusted to care for children again and the courts can make that happen.
cmayer 20
Don't have to sue. Just charge with child endangerment.
Spring13 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
if you can't handle a 4 year old, you shouldn't have kids at all. A child is a child, not something that you can put aside because you need your 'rest'.
docscientist 10
Calm down, spring. A child isnt going to be scarred because you took a few days off.
Serisent 26
Perhaps it's obvious in retrospect that the babysitter couldn't be trusted, but it probably wasn't so obvious beforehand. Also, who says that the babysitter wasn't a family member to begin with?
bamagrl410 31
62 - There's a difference between just dumping your child on someone else or having someone watch them for a couple days while you relieve stress. Please tell me how you feel after going through years of little sleep, keeping a constant eye out to make everything is safe and sound, cleaning up messes multiple times a day, changing diapers and potty training, constantly validating things your child says or asks (because they require that a lot), entertaining them, stopping them from crying, and all the other 24/7, exhausting tasks of raising a child. My family didn't take the children out anywhere (like to restaurants or shopping, etc.) when we were little. We were watched by our grandparents. And now that I look back on it, I'll be doing the same thing because it takes a while to teach children proper behavior. If OP had taken the child, it wouldn't have really been a vacation.
Spring13 12
#65 it depends on with who you leave them, besides why a babysitter? I'm sure if it was a family member OP would have mentioned that. I think it does affect a child. #69. I know exactly how that feels, but there is no way I would leave the kids just to enjoy myself. it's not something that you should put aside because you want to relax or w/e. My parents never left us somewhere so that they can enjoy their holiday. we always went along and no complaints there.
pandalover69 26
@8 obviously you don't have kids. She probably thought she could trust the babysitter and the point of a vacation is to get away from everything. Most parents don't bring their 4 year olds on vacation anyway unless it's disney or family. Hell my parents went on vacation when I was 4, luckily they were able to leave me with grandparents.
sourgirl101 29
My husband and I have gone on vacations with our kids AND also on 3 day vacations without our kids. We're their parents but we are also a couple that needs to reconnect and make "us" time. Toddlers and a romantic dinners etc... defeats the purpose. The OP did nothing wrong except maybe trust the wrong sitter. Btw my sitter was worth every cent and followed my instructions to a T. Knowing my family, the kids would have sat in front of the TV, ate junk food and gone to sleep whenever they felt like it. When you hire someone, it is nice to get them to follow your kids' routine.
legendforge 5
Thank you for being a reasonable human being.
morella_xx 29
#62, if you can't be without your kids on a vacation then please just stay home. I don't want to hear whines of "I'm bored" at a museum or have sand thrown at me on the beach or wait for the elevator in my hotel to stop at every. single. floor. because Little Johnny just had to push all of the buttons.
morella_xx 29
And let's not forget the "I'm miserable and I'm going to make everyone else miserable too" kiddie mindset on planes.
Spring13 12
#102/3 kids misbehave when their parents don't know how to handle them. I've never experienced that and I don't think I'll stay home just because some people can't handle kids. You were once a kid as well, you weren't miraculously born as an adult... besides as if you've NEVER in your life pushed every button on the elevator :)...
_wraith 15
I feel like you need to be told that it's okay to be "you" outside of the parent role. That you don't have to be Supermom/dad, and that you're entitled (say it loud and proud) to time for yourself. You're a parent first, hell yes I agree, but you're also a person. And people, well, we need time to ourselves once in a while, even as parents. This doesn't make us bad parents. This makes us human beings. It's not something to be ashamed of.
tragicnightmare 15
maybe OP has no family living close by to take care of her child
morella_xx 29
No, I didn't do that in the elevator, or any of the other things I mentioned, which I HAVE experienced. Know why? Because I didn't have overly indulgent parents who let me think the entire world revolved around me.
BananEnigma 24
I hope you don't have kids, #118.... You're in for a rude awakening.
mireaux 7
I'd watch out for Bob the Builder if I were you.
Obey_StudBoii 23
Sounds like another part that would be used in "The Hangover" movie.
SakataGintoki 9
Don't give them ideas; they're already making a third one! Lolol
bReLiNg 18
Well.... Time to get a hose....
natsaysheyyy 16
Well, who doesn't love ass?
\ 28
Umm... heterosexual males? Just guessing :)