Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML
Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML
Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML
Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML
Today, my kid has severe diarrhoea. My husband said he was going out to get medicine. Two long, painful hours later, I find he's out eating and chilling with his friends. FML
Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML
Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML
Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
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Top comments
NoWayLady 13
Paranormal activity 6?
pinkalicious224 7
Call someone to come pick him up. Then you and your husband can get well and clean up the messes he made.
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Comments (122)
Metallica36176 16
Get a trash can with a bag in it. Carry it around with you. Do your shit and be comfortable on your phone OUT of the bathroom. Unless you have diarrhea....then the next time you're out, grab throwable objects and every time you hear something and he passes by throw something at him *sarcasm*
mylifebelike1234 6
Why would you have time too write an fml?, or even think about writing one?, like seriously wouldn't you be too sick too even think about that...wouldnt you be worried at the fact that your 3 year old child is running ramped in your house but you know i guess you have time too write an fml... lolwut
ChibiChibi_fml 28
Nobody ever uses a mobile device that can submit FML posts while stuck on the toilet for hours crapping their brains out. Nope that's never happened, ever in the history of time. People consistently just sit and wallow in the misery of food poisoning the whole time, and read books. They would never be sitting worrying about what their 3 year old is doing, unable to stop it, and think "well **** my life, hey I guess I have opportunity and reason to submit an FML." Nope couldn't happen.
Bludmagnus 13
If this is true, simple answer to teach your son a lesson. Put laxatives in his dessert and see how he likes being trapped and crapping and puking all night and day. Sometimes, the punishment has to fit the crime, so also spend the time laughing at him.
natalie7087 1
And yet you managed to write this fml in the meantime?