Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML
Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML
Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML
Today, I realized when I'm on my phone, I tend to play with my penis, even in public. FML
Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML
Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML
Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML
Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML
Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Today, I caught my coworker masturbating in the bathroom. This was during her shift, while I was mopping the bathroom floors. FML
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Top comments
Lifes_a_bust 0
What beat do you use?
Betz 10
Did you grunt too?
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Comments (119)
Keevarou 17
Some people have a really dirty mind. You could always have clarified that you was just drumming your thigh and not masturbating, and I thought there was a decent difference in the sound produced.. Fyl
Keevarou 17
Sirin, Alan, didi? Sorry to ask for a favor again, I just found out that talking to a person while commenting on a FML is a bad idea, so would be nice if you deletes the comment I made :)
Lifes_a_bust 0
What beat do you use?
Andrew910 5
Fap fap boom fap fap
KBeatz 5
It was Eye of the Tiger.
nictransitglory 4
Probably either "beat it" or "when I think about you I touch myself".
afunnyterdcody 5
Well I mastrubate in the stall and don't think of people that might think I'm drumming my thighs
klovemachine 24
All these answers are funny :D
PuffDaddy395 3
Why the hell would you ruin the chain of funny comments?^ And when I ********** in the stall, I leave the door open so that there is no question as to whether I'm beating my dick, or drumming on my thighs.
shift_love 13
Jackety jackety jackety jack spankity spankity smackity smack
Feared 9
Flipity Flopity, Fapity Fap, When I sit down to poo, I tap my lap.
Boygenius50 8
Mozart's Lacrymosa
anoellem 1
63- you ruined the chain
natas_fml 13
Spankin' it for the looooord
nado13579 12
Wonder is he was tapping "When I Think About You I Touch Myself" XD
trivel64 16
dafuq?
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
63- okay, that's taking the joke a little to far there
Omit 4
Did anyone favorite this..? Hahaha
Betz 10
Did you grunt too?
lonkite101 14
Because everyone grunts when playing air drums, right?
mgkgambino 3
21, I know I do...
SkoomaKi 28
Shout out "FAP FAP FAP". They'll realize you're not masturbating. I hope. If not, it's going to be awkward explaining that to the head teacher.
alexk92 6
Hmm, who said he was at school?
challan 19
Damn, I'm too slow! Lol fap fap fap
banana_buddy 6
Or even better, OP should start moaning in an erotic manner. That will definitely convince them he's not fapping.
Fasterkill 6
The head teacher... heh... hehehehe...
SpottedZebra42 14
37 - There's no such thing as too slow!
spottyblanket 8
AHAHAHA, actullay thanks OP...now I will know to never do this.
RussianFox 13
This was both pointless and barely legible.
tony1891 22
don't play with that. you'll go blind!
auzz1_pride 9
Funny, I remember my mother saying that to me when I was a kid, only difference is she said it will fall off -.-
nado13579 12
Ever told that you couldn't ever pee again and it will stay in your body?
SqueakyChipmunk 22
It'll fall into a different dimension, where wild dingos will feast upon it.
cropper 0
Just play with it till u need glasses.
aquaparis1 0
Lol no u won't that's a lie
gracehi 33
Should have just said, "**** it!" and started masturbating. They already think you're a pervert, so you should at least get an ****** out of it.
SkoomaKi 28
When in doubt, crack one out. ^ Live by that and you will succeed.
trippythehippy 6
You say pervert like its a bad thing...
SqueakyChipmunk 22
In a musical, Op would keep making beats while masterbating, then start rapping/singing. "Masterbating in the bathroom! Cause you think I'm a creep When I'm only making beats Well now I'm making beats while I'm beating my meat Now everybody thinks I'm a creep!"
iloveursister 4
I always say when in doubt rub one out.
JavierOcean 0
I want to like this but 69 is a good number.
immaMonsta 8
I don't know too many people who would ********** in public, so I doubt that people would jump to that conclusion; but then again, I could be wrong.
11mandy80 6
Op could have been at his house
dramakween515 5
When I was in high school There was a crazy masterbater he did it in my class! And in the boys room. I think he had like issues though
auzz1_pride 9
45) I think what you are looking for here is C.M.D, compulsive masturbation disorder.
liaxoxox 2
Actually this kid at my school just got suspended for 10 days for masturbating in school
Keattles 14
17- why would anyone care if he was at his house "drumming on his thighs?" I think OP would only think this because he is at a public place or somewhere other than home.
immaMonsta 8
O_O what ever happened to maturbation in privacy? People have no shame nowadays. Smh.
sayhey22 19
Or autism
llamafish 25
Why are there people listening to you using the bathroom?
ColdplaySucks 18
Probably because they started hearing fapping noises and were curious.
aznbiznitch666 4
Ok not that I make it a habit of listening to people in the bathroom but when I hear farting noises I try and hurry up and get done. I do not want to get stuck smelling someone caught in a shit storm.
mauricioros21 0
As long as your not moaning i think your fine :P