Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML
Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML
Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. We have already done it. I don't think he meant to send that text to me. FML
Today, I sent my girlfriend a text this morning saying I love you. I rarely do this and instead of receiving the same message back, I got a message from my girlfriend accusing me of meaning to send it to someone else and dumped me. FML
Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML
Today, I sent a romantic, flirty text to my boyfriend. A few minutes later, I got a reply from… my mom, saying, “I don’t think this was meant for me, but thanks for making my day awkward.” FML
Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML
Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML
Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML
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Top comments
vacantdreamer 0
Congrats. Your man admits to being a pig.
CallMeHush 1
OK , so to test that out I just sent the same text to my wife. Her reply; WTF?
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Comments (94)
vacantdreamer 0
Congrats. Your man admits to being a pig.
malheartsnutmeg 20
So, did you touch his Pork?
Dwight_A_R_Manag 0
How's he a pig? He feels comfortable enough with you to be sexual in his own odd way. Just touch his pork or stay in the kitchen
Randomassdude 0
lmao 25 violated xD make him a sammich while at it (: lol
greendaygirl999 5
You shoulda said "Sorry, I'm a vegitarian" xD
paigeatsflesh 11
ahaha^^
WompWompDub_Step 0
what? your feeling aren't mututal? you don't want him to touch your pork? hmm
Jrook 0
WTF who says that anyway? pigs don't even say that
jdub28 0
I don't get it... maybe she meant to say **** and the text auto corrected her typing.. if not, who calls a penis pork?
fmlsoobad 0
he wants u to Tuch his dik dipwad
DonkeyDelight 0
54- correct, pigs can't talk.
acccccccc 1
haha 68 win!
redshortsx 0
uncork it then pork it
RaptorJeezus 1
That's not his porpoise he wants pumped! He's a simple farmer with a love of his piggeh's :D
Wolfex999 0
Porpoise? Isn't that a dolphin? Sorry if I'm wrong, I'm out of it today.
RaptorJeezus 1
It means smackin' the monkey, pocket pool, hwhacking off... master-baiting. Umm... how many more do I know... taunting the crotch monster?
aali89 0
Yeah, you clearly have no sense of humor. He was obviously just joking with you. My bf and I do shit like this all the time. Live a little, laugh some more and stop whinnng about something this stupid.
18drakerad 18
I like how you just assume the person who said that is male.
gorgeousmami33 0
lmfao. that's funny
nessimonster 0
lol rite
hey01_fml 0
pigs wit cells these days fail on him win. 4 u for. posting it on fml
theian01 3
Can I get a translator here?
Averizzle 0
Ok I haven't brushed up on my idiot in a while but here is a shot: Pigs with cell phones win and you fail for posting this on fml.
Joey7361 0
nono here's wat I think "pigs with cellphones nowadays! it's a fail for him, but a win for you for posting this on fml."
Averizzle 0
Nice you should teach a class in idiot.
jdub28 0
lol... win for understanding idiot, but fail for being able to translate it so well. so how long have you been fluent in idiot?
ninafea 0
Win ^
MissOriginal 0
I didn't know Stevie Wonder goes on FML???
CallMeHush 1
OK , so to test that out I just sent the same text to my wife. Her reply; WTF?
TheSexynator 0
With The Fungus?
CallMeHush 1
No, the cream took care of that.
BadPinkKitty07 0
lol that's awesome!
llcooljoey 0
#8 wins
Blue_Coconuts 7
That could be worse if she didn't know who sent the text.... o.0
maddymxo 0
touch my fungus.
drewbell 0
maddymxo wins
Rexx 0
Tell him you only eat Kosher
WhatANoob 0
LOL! Agreed.
Aj4710 0
JEWISH FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Richard343 0
better than him saying to jerk his chicken =P
UberFail79 0
Better than "touch my pooper." Not even my auto-correct thinks that's in good taste.
fyrelynx 0
Your "love of your life" says things like "touch my pork"? some people really exaggerate on labels, don't they?
Odiny147 0
tell him you are vegetarian
maggiees 0
hehe #10 WIN!
goonie85 0
Vegetarians can still touch it, right? They just can't eat it.
hmmmummhmmm 0
or Jewish. (Jews don't eat pork right?)
C2Ultima 0
Tell him to give his pig it's own sponge bath.
knockasauras 0
lmfao at 6