Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

Today, my daughter is still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

Grow your own

Today, my daughter told me she never wants to see me again because I had an abortion. She wanted me to have the baby and then give it to her so she could raise it as hers. FML

Fight Club Penguin

Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter walked into the bathroom where I was grumbling about my weight. Seeing how upset I was, she took my hand and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You just look fat." FML

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

Gummy

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

Wise kid

Today, I had to give my four year-old daughter some tough love, which I hate doing. When she ran away crying, my son, her twin brother, looked at me and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." FML