Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML
Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML
Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML
Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating ice cream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years thought it would be funny to squat above my head completely naked while I was sleeping. When I woke up, his asshole and ball sack was in my face. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
I hope you scrambled his eggs with a sharp scrotal slap.
gusgus36 5
haha whatever, he's just kidding around... you can't use the word "sausage" with a guy and expect them to not say something like that lol
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Comments (192)
hypnos_fml 0
Have you ever been so far even as decided to use go want to look more like?
easwhitey 0
wtf does this even mean #16
Nutz321 0
I think this sentence breaks the world record for sentence which makes the least sense
IcyHell 0
You've got to be kidding me. I've been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It's just common sense.
redfishbluefish2 13
Am I the only one that doesn't understand what this says?
Zebidee 9
#16 is a 4chan meme, and #33 is the response to it. It's meant to be indecipherable.
RedPillSucks 33
oh lawd lawd. Y'all gonna get me fire for laughing out loud at work. Good thing I don't work in a morgue.
jellyybeans 5
whaaat exactly is a 4chan meme now?
rockhound 0
IcyHell, I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Nice.
Zebidee 9
#93 - go into a chatroom and ask for a big serving of blue waffles and you'll find out fast enough.
5t3ff1k4h 47
Oh god... no! Zeb - You're supposed to frighten them... not scare the friggin' bajeebus out of them!
Rallred32 20
Zeb, I don't think everyone will appreciate that...
Zebidee 9
You could have asked him if he wanted bacon strips with that...
Skroal_stomper 5
That is funny. Finally something on here that made me chuckle. It's wrong but funny as hell.
Cinn_fml 23
Ok, that's a bit weird. Either he was really desperate for some action, or thought it was funny. Just mention you didn't appreciate it and talk it through with him.
Terezi 0
Or OP could just lighten up. If my husband did that to me, I'd laugh my ass off.
Cinn_fml 23
There is that, however different people have different senses of humour, not everyone is amused by the same thing.
zenti 2
I wouldn't think it was very funny to have some guy wave his penis in my face, and I have quite a weird sense of humor.
cbr600_fml 0
well did you eat the breakfast he made if he went thru all the trouble the least you could of done was put it in your mouth
jo417se 0
omg ur so hot ummmmm
st0n333d 0
cute pic
scubasw1fey 0
I have to say that was quite funny!! made me laugh, if my hubby did that I would laugh so hard!! men have a weird sense of humor. thanks for the chuckle and hope u enjoyed ur breakfast!!
Clumsyblonde22 12
Breakfast of champs!
Residence_fml 4
If you don't like it, why didn't you try to stop him? You can see him reaching down his pants and I doubt he runs after you if you walk away. Besides your boyfriend sounds like he meant it in a funny way. If you prefer him not to do stuff like that just tell him. But I doubt it he actually hit your face "violently" it's a penis, how hard can it hit you? My boyfriend sometimes likes to joke around like that too and it never bothered nor hurt me. Let your boyfriend have his fun, he cooks you breakfast.
macskapingvin 0
If he'd paid better attention in biology, he might have learned that it is women who have the eggs.
sexieeduck 0
yaa .. he's cooking them for her