Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend has some bruises from her karate class. We went shopping together and needless to say, I got quite a few dirty looks. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I hit her. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML
Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML
Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML
Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML
Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
Today, while I was out walking with my girlfriend, I got beaten up and called an "abuser" by a gang of women who noticed bruises on my girlfriend's arms and legs. The bruises are from her karate class. FML
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Top comments
KingLewisII 34
Next time say I already warned you once.
subgub2222 16
That horrible and people like your wife are the reason so many people don't take real domestic abuse seriously, your wife and people who do what she's doing are making domestic abuse into a big joke when it's really something very serious.
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Comments (173)
FML_Elle 17
This sounds so similar to another FML published awhile ago!
ladytigerhunts 20
Best. Wife. Ever. I'm sorry, I know, but it's HILARIOUS!
absynthe76 10
Tell her in public, that you said mustard in your sandwich and NOT mayo woman! Glad she's got a sense of humor.
xebi 4
Your wife will be laughing on the other side of her face when someone anonymously tips off a domestic violence hotline or the police. I try to be lighthearted about practical jokes but domestic violence isnt funny. People like her are the reason why people are reluctant to report such crimes.
bluejaygonewrong 5
That's seriously a bitchy thing for your wife to do :-(
duuuh1 11
I'm all for finding the fun in everyday life, but there are some very serious lines I don't cross. Pretending to be a victim of domestic abuse is utterly messed up on so many levels. It sure as hell isn't funny to actual victims of physical abuse, and it's going to be even less funny to you when the cops show up. A DV on your record while you try to sort stuff out because of your wife's disgusting "joke" could do some unbelievable damage to your life. She needs to cut that shit out pronto.
FML_Gecko 4
My wife did that to me after she donated blood. It left a huge bruise right at sleeve level. She thought it was funny as all hell. Until someone called the cops.
Greg1986 13
Oh that's hilarious. My wife would more than likely do the same. lol
zZLightZz 13
your wife sounds like my kind of women. a funny since of humor lol keep your eyes on her hehe
linjizzy 6
Your wife's awesome! Keep her forever!