Today, my roommate decided to splash out on a prostitute. When my expensive watch and the contents of my wallet turned up missing in the aftermath, his only comment was, "Shit happens, bro." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML
Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML
Today, my roommate asked me for help finding her wallet because it’s been lost for days. I helped a bit, but it never turned up. I left to go to my boyfriend’s house as I'd planned. Guess whose wallet I found laying on the ground next to his night-stand? And why it was there… FML
Today, I visited a friend’s house. He has a vast collection of Cartier bracelets. Being strapped for cash and starving, I stole one of them when he wasn’t looking, thinking he wouldn’t notice one missing. I went to pawn the bracelet. It’s fake. Rent’s due tomorrow. FML
Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards, and my monthly paycheck was in that purse. FML
Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML
Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML
Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML
Today, I came home to find that my roommate had picked my lock and stolen my new laptop. When I tried to take it back, he called the police. They sided with him since he had also taken the receipt, which was "proof" that it was his. FML
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Top comments
mpsteve137 15
Punch him in the face and say shit happens bro
Sir_ND_Pity 35
remind him of that when he finds out he has an STD
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Comments (104)
killaach 6
Remeber to say "shit happens" when all his stuff goes missing
dancinwookie 21
#11 & 12- The fact that your names are so similar, and in numerical sequence, is kinda freaky...Besides the whole "kill" part, ya know?
killaach 6
Lol, he has a good taste in names
killuhand 12
id be pretty pissed if my roommate brought back a prostitute even if she didn't steal anything
MidnaLink 35
How's that your business?
Snowlight_fml 7
That went completely and utterly over your head.
CaptMurdock 25
I hope you make him buy you a new watch and replace whatever was in your wallet.
oj101 33
When he's diagnosed with an STD and is too broke to afford treatment, tell him "shit happens bro". See how he likes it.
Llamacod 11
op lives in the uk where they have socialized medicine so there is no such thing as "too broke to afford treatment"
Zebediabolical 45
Call the cops. It's their job to arrest dumb people. And the prossies they bring home too.
drewflav 17
15 - the act of selling sex is rarely illegal. It's often the act of buying/advertising that is. Thus, the roommate would be arrested, not the prostitute. Check UK laws before making a comment like that.
Zebediabolical 45
Well, the roomie can be run in for hiring a prossie. The prossie can be run in for /theft/. That is a crime in the UK, right? That is what OP is complaining about after all.
stevothedevo 25
#19 speaking from experience??
skatoolaki 24
Prossie. That's a new word for me. I like it.
drewflav 17
46 - irrelevant but it is something I've researched. Knowing one's own laws is the responsibility of every responsible citizen. After all, don't they say that ignorance of the law is no excuse?
HeadlessSparrow 20
Shit on him in his sleep.
Jharrist89 12
I'd just steal his shit. Return the favor. Shit happens. Perhaps you should literally take a shit on his belongings.
larsak 3
Grind on him and tell him "sucks to suck bro"
kimberlyrd 1
Lmao!
dakkat720 6
what does "splash out" mean
zandalee 20
Go all out... To live a little... To treat yourself!
CharresBarkrey 16
Thank you for asking this. I felt like a stupid American for wondering what it meant.
laden_swallow09 35
It's okay, 60. I had to go the longest time before I learned what "chuffed" means.
zandalee 20
Low life alert! Kick him out! There are way too many lovely people in this world to put up with this asshole.