Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
GreenAppleDP 0
If that's the case, I don't think you'll ever be able to take her virginity. Maybe if you tell her you'll be as gentle as you possibly can, she'll let you.
cntryiscntrywide 0
She has to. Hurts but if yu ever wanna have sex yu
cntryiscntrywide 0
She has to. Hurts but if yu ever wanna have sex yu
cntryiscntrywide 0
She has to. Hurts but if yu ever wanna have sex yu
GreenAppleDP 0
Technically, she doesn't HAVE to do anything.. OP's girlfriend should have sex when she is ready to. There are also steps they could take so that it doesn't hurt her.
imp4ct 15
Think about maths and if that doesn't work you did everything you could..
DarkRemorse 1
Can't even enter Maybe she meant "I'll never have sex with you>:D"
muffinXmonster 12
That BLOWS and I'm sorry your girl is such a SOFTY....... Laug But seriously repeat "purple elephant" in your head when the time comes
notoriousbob 11
U should know when you have a bad comment
charlotte69er 7
Sry kinda agree with 17 partially cuz he's right and partially cuz he's hot ;)
daner10 5
That sucks. If you have real love just wait till she is more developed That should Help?
wriptidez 0
shes too young
pinkelephantz 2
Agreed
RatedR916_fml 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Just tear that sh*t up........
SweetPerfectionn 3
You look like an ass now.
GracesDelirium 9
He is an ass, and I'm sure he didn't just become one.
vturbz91 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Aha I agree with this guy..."tear it up "
Awsumuzzie 12
Gladly, I'll tear your balls off with honor. You don't need those sperms anyway, they are ending up in a sock with such amazing personalities like the two of you have.
SoultheWolf 19
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You can't take her verginity flacid. If you don't break her heimen then she is technically still a vergin. What you should try to do instead is use your fingers to try and stretch it before putting your **** in. My bf did that with me and it barely hurt at all. Jus tmake sure you try not to trust too deep and hard on her first time because her pussy will be sore. Also, if you even tried to have sex while flacid (which is impossible if you are attracted to her because the thought of being in her pussy and the feeling will imediately make you hard which you can't control) she will still hurt lots when she decides to let you be hard the next time because she thinks she lost her virginity. Just tell her it hurts for a short while (a day or two) and as long as you don't continue to keep at it during those few days it should be fine. Just make sure its somewhere that wont matter, because women do bleed on their first time, especially if they don't use tampons.
CaptainPickles72 18
Just so there is no heated debate on what "taking someone's virginity" actually consist of. There are many ways to look at it, everyone has different opinions on when someone could lose their virginity. No need to debate, no one will change their minds!
jtthegr8 26
Learn how to spell virgin...gah
MurphyS94 4
32 gets a down vote for not understanding that not ALL girls bleed their first time. I didn't and I know many other girls who have have said the same. Every girls' ****** (specifically the hymen) is different and will react to sex differently. Also, if it weren't for Captain Pickles's statement, I probably would have said something about the definition of losing one's virginity. But I'll let that one slide...
PlaySpades 21
Girls don't always bleed their first time.....
dumboears 8
Hymens break a lot of times before sex. Horseback riding, bike riding, using tampons etc can all lead to a broken hymen. That can't be what defines virginity. Sorry that just bothered me and I couldn't let it slide.
OhDearBetrayal 25
And can we use a better word to describe a womans ******? I find "pussy" to be nationally understood to be an inappropriate and rude term.
CaptainPickles72 18
Well, 97, every other word or slang for the female genitalia sounds childish or sometimes just plain nasty to me. I find ****** kind of like a scientific term (that may sound stupid) and pussy seems harsh at times when saying but in the heat of the moment, I find that it's the right word to use. It might just be me, but using the word ****** while doing anything sexually just sounds a little weird. Since you find pussy a rude word, do you have any suggestions that people could take seriously?
Llamacod 11
Do you seriously believe that a girl is a virgin until the hymen breaks? Where the hell does one find tardmonkeys who teach this crap to you? So those girls whose hymens break whilst horseback or bike riding are no longer virgins? Hate to break it to you but once there is penile penetration the virginity is gone, hymen breakage or not. And it is nearly impossible to have flaccid sex. For one, I'm sure his penis would get hard once it touches her vajayjay.
luccmon 6
That's the word we were looking for!
cetlawizard 15
32, penile penetration into ******=loss of virginity technically & physically plainly& simply...That is all. There's nothing to debate. That's how it works...don't believe it, (especially @ 20) ask your gyn/obgyn doctor.
T1A2Z3 35
So what about gay guys? If they never **** a guy are they virgins? What about gay girls? Do they never have sex? Virginity is subjective. It's up to each individual.
randomkayx3 11
I'm 15. Happily a virgin. It's a shocker considering even little kids are doing it now. And even I know that everything 32 said was completely .. Oh, how do I say this.. Stupid?
TSN619 7
No what 32 said was very good advice actually. You people need to get off the high horse of what defines virginity or losing virginity. She was trying to give good advice stop being rude,damn.
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Am I the only one who got the strange feeling that I was supposed to feel aroused by 32's comment? Also, 121, ****** is not a "scientific term", it's the standard term for the female body part in question. There's nothing wrong with preferring another term in bed, but (correct me if I'm wrong) we're not all in the middle of having sex with each other here. Therefore, to me, it seems more appropriate to use standard terms. Back to 32...Well shit, it looks like I've got no words for that one. Either that person is a retard, or I need to pay a visit to the processing department in my brain to fire the slackers responsible for my lack of comprehension.
prismis 0
WTF 0_0
totallydonteven 5
Having a hymen does not make you a virgin. Your hymen can get broken in many ways from anything to using a tampon to riding a bike. And there's so much else about your comment I could say but I'll just sum up with learn how to spell.
SaturnV 25
tl;dr - a graphic account of how SoultheWolf lost her virginity, applications thereof to OP's predicament, and some marginally factual, horribly misspelled sex advice for the inexperienced.
thesmartietubes 6
It won't go in if it's soft... And it'll be difficult to put on protection too. Suggest lubricants to her and say you'll go slowly... If not, wait till she suggests sex. Or just do foreplay for a bit..
Enslaved 38
Good luck ever having sex with that thing. Haha :P Funny thing is, it hurts but for some reason, it's a good pain. Go figure. In due time, if you're gentle and very loving, and don't rush her 'til she's ready, she'll be begging you to put it in her.
MissHayleyJames 7
It's not always a good pain :(