Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
lemonsquid 6
Do iiiiit
csi13 8
So she never plans on having sex?
luccmon 6
Your gf is obviously retarded. How does she expect you to do that? Sounds like someone just wants to keep their virginity.
immaMonsta 8
That's impossible. Even if it was possible, she wouldn't feel anything at all. There's no fun in that.
dirtae69 0
One word roofe
j_cat187 20
Two words: dumb ****
sabb1228 0
...NEXT!!!
lilacgold 16
But it wouldn't work while flaccid, even if you could avoid getting hard...
Vaginabutter 15
start with the fingers and when she relaxes give her the ****.
godofswag 6
not really taking her virginity but it works
SaturnV 25
No, actually it doesn't work...not on a virgin, anyway.
xxenforcerxx 4
here's a tip that i found out (sorry if this offends or is too much) : finger her and slowly put one finger in at a time as she gets used to the last. then after u can fit 3 or 4, stick it in and it won't hurt or as much