Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
gracehi 33
How is that supposed to work? Sounds to me like your girlfriend is just denying you sex in a round about way.
GracesDelirium 9
Or she could just be a clueless virgin.
gracehi 33
I considered that and, while I agree it's certainly possible, I think it's far more likely OP's girlfriend simply doesn't want to have sex with him.
bettyc4 26
That sounds like a personal problem bro
ihaveatightbutt 0
Sperm in her mouth then
ChelseaCuriosity 0
What are you two 10? Oh no penis and semen! Both of you are idiot. Her for the thought, and you for even considering it might work.
dumboears 8
The irony of you calling them idiots when your post makes you look like an idiot.
tattooedcowboy 6
Just say the magic words ( open saysmycock) Lol
brock329 3
All ******* day^ lmao
br0ccoli 15
Is this real life?
vturbz91 0
Aha your girl friend is an idiot.. If she is a virgin then she will be tight and there is no way you can stick your limp penis in there
br0ccoli 15
She's totally jailbait. I can tell.
Pretty_Pink_Lady 10
"If your age is on the clock, you're too young for the ****."
ankoku 2
Op, you should run. Run as fast and as far away as possible!! I think your g/f is trying to kill you.
CaptainPickles72 18
Oh no, guys! My girlfriend wants to have sex with me, but she's scared it'll hurt to much. That crazy bitch is trying to kill me!!!! *runs away*
redbluegreen 41
Maybe it's time you stop finding girlfriends at your local middle school.
marinus_fml 20
Unless OP is also in middle school?
CaptainPickles72 18
But it's SO easy! Sometimes they even fall for "I got some candy" trick. I mean... I heard about this on the internet, not like I have any experience... yeah, you should believe that! DON"T JUDGE ME!