Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
Torji 2
Ummm... Does she know how sex works?
isis_morrigan 18
Sounds like your screwed...although not literally...oh well, she sounds like a whining bitch anyways, it doesn't hurt that bad, it's not like we are talking about cutting her arm off or something. Tell her to suck it up and get it over with.
pickledboner124 0
sticky situation
geerod22 5
Impossible.
KiddNYC1O 22
Fresh meat.
rb316 1
You need to tell her straight up you will only feel a slight discomfort the first few times it goes in. My fiancé had the same problem but after it went in a few times she liked it. Now she can't get enough. LOL!!
AmbrosiaWriter 17
You have no idea how much discomfort she'll feel, it's bad to lie. For me, my first time was actually quite painful. So if he tells her that she'll only feel a "slight discomfort" and she ends up like me where it actually hurt quite a lot, she'll feel betrayed and hate him, because she'll think he lied to her just so he could have sex with her.
theonlysweetpea 10
Sounds like either she's a troll or she's too immature to be having sex. Tell her to take a damn sex ed/health class. >mutters to self "dumb bitch"< Also tell her to talk to her parents
Noelle282 8
Yes because clearly a young (probably teenage) girl is going to ask her parents about sex...I think not.
jhicks123 10
Eat grean beans.
kylr123 3
If it's ur first time, it goes basically semi hard the moment u put on the condom, most guys first time they aren't properly hard anyay
MrsVicious 8
Your girlfriend is stupid.