Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
hazelsun41311 0
If she was smart, she'd know it's going to hurt either way...
PlaySpades 21
Considering the fact that there's no way it's going to go in limp, it really will only hurt one way....
mullfritt 12
Sounds like you had a hard day... Oh yes, I did...
oohshinycolors 0
I'm calling troll girlfriend hahah
Blue_berry_594 0
How old is she? Like 13? You can't enter a ****** soft....
JadeWalker 14
Umm if thats how she wants it then u guys are clearly to young
Chavez45 2
There is always anal sex lol Good luck with trying to get her V card haha FYL
Bozone 7
You need to be hard for anal also bud ..
Shadow_Phantom 26
So you won't hurt her... what...? Doesn't even sound like she's ready for sex yet. FYL, dude.
Calyx_fml 22
Sex with virgins is terrible.
j_cat187 20
Sex with ***** is also terrible
CRC_101 31
Good thing they don't stay virgins for long, then!
jackiee_nguyen 2
Hahaha what a crock!
XtraEzeee 8
More like what a ****! Ba-dum-tish!
XtraEzeee 8
More like what a ****! Ba-dum-tish!
sean0206 5
I think you misspelled ****. Just saying.
marcosh 0
Let her be top, that way she can decide the amount of wiener she can take also use lots and lots of crisco (or the lube of your choice)
immaMonsta 8
#86 It still hurts even when a girl is on top. It'll probably hurt her even more since she's a virgin.
marpay 11
For the love of all that is holy in this world please do NOT use crisco or anything else that is not specifically made for sexual lubricant as lube.