Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I convinced my daughter to tell my wife that the coworker she’s been getting a bit too close to lately touched her inappropriately so she’d stop interacting with him. After arguing and confrontation between the four of us, my daughter threw me under the bus and told them the truth. Now they’re all mad at me. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML
Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML
Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML
Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML
Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Panther_fml 0
Bring the dummy home... maybe then she will beleive you! FYL
sportsnut 0
haha, that blows, why not bring your daughter back to work with your wife and have your daughter point out the 'woman' you were kissing
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (70)
theluckygirl28 8
haha kids these days... :P sucks for ya though. ahh well your wife will get over it :)
ananamoose 0
And if she doesn't punch her square in the nose
Reyo 2
You're wife must be paranoid as hell when it comes to losing you if she's willing to believe the word of a little girl as law. Actually...use this to your advantage. Tell your daughtor to run up to mommy and say "Daddy needs a sammich, and you should make him one". If that works, you're the luckiest man in the world.
Panther_fml 0
Bring the dummy home... maybe then she will beleive you! FYL
allmidnighteyes 11
Do you happen to know a Cora Reynolds, by any chance? I'm sure you were doing more than "CPR" to those anatomically correct dolls, you sly ******. ;]
CandidateForWax 0
Nice to see a Palahniuk fan on board ;)
redbluegreen 41
They should be careful of those razorblades.
SammyS2012 21
I have never seen an anatomically correct CPR dummy
Psychs7 11
Get your kid to tell her the details
DoomJeff91 2
Kinky.
shmoop 0
haha #6 win.
jakeJIGSAW 2
Love #6 comment!
kitkatkelly 0
Nobody actually does full mouth-to-mouth contact with those dummies... and they sure as hell don't look female.
expen_dable 0
see you are the psychotic girlfriend type that would try to find every reason to prove he's lying. hopefully you are too ugly or fat to date a guy and make him miserable with your paranoia.
lyndis_fml 0
That comment was meant to be humorous... and was posted by a male. Good job.
ScaryyMary 14
Kissing another woman? One made of RUBBER?! For shame... So I've been wondering: When you bang a rubber chick, to you wear a "rubber" for safety? Or would wearing one get her preggers with little inflatable babies?
cerebellum_fml 0
There is a glitch here. Every so often i see a comment made by perdix and another one from another chick. Perdix, the second paragraph is 10000x true over and over.
vilageidoit09 0
No. See you missed the answer to that question in Bride of Chucky...That movie explains it all...
GJMO 0
too funny
NadiaJ 0
this goes to predix..dude he was talking about a doll aka dummy not the CPR instructor! damn you much be dumb!
Firesprite2009 0
@ NadiaJ ..Please, PLEASE tell me you were kidding when you said that, because I think I just died a little inside.
truth215 0
man that sucks try to show your daughter the alleged "woman" and ask her if this was the woman
sportsnut 0
haha, that blows, why not bring your daughter back to work with your wife and have your daughter point out the 'woman' you were kissing
Starfire22 5
Hmmm not too sure how you can explain this one...
Starfire22 5
This is true, I do like a good divorce fml...
xxrejectedxx 0
hell yeah! you must have been kissing the dummy with sheer passion though, to be mistaken by your daughter is sucks, still.
youthink_fml 0
YDI. I hate people who bring their rugrats to the office.
Books4Me 0
Well just wait until you have a couple of 'ragrats' of your own. And if you don't want them, don't judge others until you know how busy their life is, or how much money they /don't/ have for a babysitter, etc etc.