Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really liked. He spent the whole time talking about his pet iguana and how it's the love of his life. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML
Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML
Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML
Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML
Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML
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Top comments
FMLshark 12
Sounds like the same boyfriend who wanted to test water displacement in the bathtub with his girlfriend.
rncannon 18
I would have been pretty excited anyway. Iguanas are cool.
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Comments (123)
HeyArnold91 8
I've never heard I guy nickname his penis lizard. Idk why you would even think he meant that.
pittyfinny 4
How'd that taste? XD
CarouselHeart 11
You rushed across town because you were that excited over dick? Jesus, calm down. Plus, lizards are cool.
vicksidhu18 3
Lol
osm1989_fml 6
If a guy asked me if I wanted to play with his lizard, when what he means is "Do you want to make sex?" I would be far from excited... In fact, I would not be aroused in the slightest... You have a strange idea of dirty talk...
zakkcarter 7
Iguanas are awesome! You shouldve been excited... Shame on you
pandainspandex 19
If my boyfriend called his dick a lizard... I don't think I'd feel like playing with it anymore. It brings up some unappetizing mental images.
GetTheFuckOut 7
Lol. You deserve it for thinking that someone would actually call their dick a "Lizard".
nachosbabygurl 9
cochina wat were u thinking
mcbootybutts 11
Shit I'd be upset of it were the other way around.