Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really liked. He spent the whole time talking about his pet iguana and how it's the love of his life. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML
Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML
Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML
Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML
Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML
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Top comments
FMLshark 12
Sounds like the same boyfriend who wanted to test water displacement in the bathtub with his girlfriend.
rncannon 18
I would have been pretty excited anyway. Iguanas are cool.
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Comments (123)
Enslaved 38
I can somewhat understand the confusion. I've heard guys say they "need to drain the lizard" when heading to the men's room.
gracehi 33
I always thought they said, "Drain the main vein."
blahblahblah5_x 13
Lol I've never heard anyone use 'lizard' as a euphemism for youknowwhat The iguana must be so fun though!
rachilio 26
I have an iguana. They're FRICKIN awesome!
DeadxManxWalking 27
Is that the only this that gets girls moving?
chriscrossedya 4
lmao ****** right?
SooInnLovee 6
I have never ever heard "it" referred to as a lizard. You my friend either have a dirty mind or aren't getting laid. haha
tiff99_fml 6
Since when does lizard mean something sexual? Weird!
Szaszaspasz 26
I've heard of the expressions "Drain the lizard", "Drain the main vein", "Shake the dew off the lily" and "Shake hands with the unemployed." All of these euphemisms would be uttered by guys to indicate their back teeth were floating.
Austyn57 1
ive never refered to my junk as a lizard u should have known better lol
daminantion 14
Surprised you aren't OP's boyfriend? Oh wait, you use FML to pick up chicks.. Yeah FYL bro
Dcm210 19
i would've turn back around and never came back. Iguanas are creepy.
ObeyStudKing 4
Lol this made me laugh. I was picturing it in my mind. Lol thanks