Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldn't have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriend's excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He didn't laugh. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML
Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "Fuck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML
Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML
Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue stud and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin said, "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years-old. FML
Today, I was invited to my boyfriend's house for dinner for the first time. His mom made a fantastic dinner, so I showed my appreciation by eating the lot. Apparently I was overdoing it because when I looked up everyone was staring. His dad muttered, "Slow the hell down." FML
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
Today, we were having a family dinner with my boyfriend's parents and mine. In the kitchen, when we were getting the food ready, he proposed. I screamed. My dad thought he was hurting me, came in and tased him in the leg. FML
Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML
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Top comments
tehhotness 0
Your grandpa rules
McZeal 0
grandpa's a pimp
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Comments (188)
butterflys322 0
Today, i went over to my girlfriends house for dinner, but couldn't eat due to a recent tongue piercing. Upon hearing this, her grandpa said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." Her super protective dad was sitting next to him. FML
adelaide_evening 0
I don't see why people need to rephrase these FML's in a non-funny way. Besides, I kinda doubt that's what the grandpa meant. Perhaps he meant that, after being deprived of food for a couple weeks, the boyfriend would want to eat everything in sight. I don't see why people automatically assume a senior citizen would talk about his granddaughter's sex life.
lilymoose 0
That's gross...lol...
mangoid 0
grandpa wins. also, what straight man gets a tongue ring and isn't a douchebag?
tsume24 3
I'm sure you've met a few. why don't you ask them?
s_quire 0
i love that he winked. sick.
tehhotness 0
HAHA, props #14. Cornbread, ain't nothin wrong with that
shamille 5
hahaa and what did your dad do?
flask_fml 0
I can't wait until I'm old enough to be a grandpa. I'll be saying stuff like this all day long.
2436 4
me too! well....grandma
absurdliaisons 0
#22 is wasn't an assumption. The FML says, verbatim, "My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said.." The main point in that sentence? He *winked*. Why would he be talking about real food? "Oh ho... go out and get some tasty MacDonalds~!" Obviously, he had sexual undertones. Also, OP, your grandpa is awesome. Kudos for the quick-wit!
dwights 0
HIGH FIVE GRAMPS