Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML
Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML
Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML
Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML
Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML
Today, it's Halloween. I get bullied every day and this was no exception, but this time I got beat up so hard I bled. Everyone thought it was part of my costume. FML
Today, I'm at odds with my fiancée because a drunk girl approached me at a Halloween party and complimented my costume. I barely acknowledged the woman and made polite small talk until she walked away. Apparently, I was too friendly and should have shooed the woman away rudely and immediately. FML
Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML
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Top comments
alpaquette91 9
Punch your roommate! Make him/her suffer too!
Mass89 0
who else read this FML while doing a russian accent? :D
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Comments (172)
OfficeNinja 5
Now you can learn about another American tradition - the LAWSUIT! ask any lawyer how that works.
happy_dino 6
??? ????? ?? ??????? ???. ???????? ??! :( ????? ?????????? ? ???????, ????!
Goodlife918975 6
I'm American, I know were assholes
neander 8
You should have given out fried eggs and beer. No that wouldn't work, the Cone Heads were from France.
ceejayem12 0
Lol I read this in a Russian accent
ImTheAlpha 30
Lol I read this is Patrick Star's voice (Døn't flame me, I'm making fun of the idiot I replied to.)
artprincess 0
thats mean!!! u r handsome/beautiful in ur own way
ibetonthecubs 3
Mother Russia FTW!!!!!!
xixifwadi 0
But then you can argue why should he have to think about it? So many slang phrases have double meanings. I'm guessing OP thought he was "in the know" when his friend said that. So not a YDI.
crazytiger345 0
THUG LIFE.
tromboneboy 2
That's what you get for being Russian lol jk that's hillarious commrad