Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was woken up by a bird screaming its guts out. My cat had somehow managed to catch a bird and bring it inside. My 9 a.m. morning began with trying to catch a bird in my own home. FML
Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
Today, I thought I'd make my own coffee at home to save money. As I was grinding the beans, my flatmate's pet parrot decided to join the party and imitate the noise of the coffee grinder. For an hour. I ended up with a headache, a half-finished cup of coffee, and a parrot that now thinks it's a barista. FML
Today I bought a new cage, along with some toys, for my bird. I came home to find my bird had escaped its old cage. FML
Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML
Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML
Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4 a.m.; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
acerredrum 23
Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.
DrownedMyFish 18
Hopefully you toucan settle this situation without it getting anymore hawkward than it already is.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (110)
acerredrum 23
Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.
Acers1 13
acerredrum we meet again
TheCanucklehead 22
43 - Shutup Meg
TheCanucklehead 22
Half the bird is fine, but what are you doing with the other half?
martialart1st18 19
Haha I like this. Btw OP your roommate is a dumbass
xx000o 27
Don't worry, 5-6 years you will get used to it.
niallo 23
I'm ok with half the expense of taking care of the bird. As long as it's for getting it stuffed. No more screeching.
Marley_000 14
In the meantime they can train it to get out of its cage and shit on their roommates stuff. It will earn it's keep.
zandalee 20
Just say no for the love of God! Tell her to take the bird back, she is sharing a room with you!
scooterdude720 19
The gender is not specified.
azaelgza98 5
#58- Does it really matter?
Bigfabthetruth52 22
I'd teach the parrot to say something super annoying to them yet hilarious to me.
emmingle 24
Get a cat.
jogihoppa8343 23
oh !!
miggles 16
How is getting another pet gonna solve anything here? Unless the cat eats the parrot I guess, but still. Cats are assholes. ._.
kjack49044 18
That was the point of the comment.
B1ackthesun 31
Make sure it's an expensive pure breed op, and demand half of all costs including its purchase while you're at it.
ThomasBombadil 31
Better yet, get a new roommate.
jaketr00 4
Then make your old roommate pay for half of the utilities your new roommate uses.
GEBEH 14
Or just let it out through the window.
chutney_02 22
Or just turn the parrot against your roommate
Emmiii_fml 18
No that would be horrible. That parrot has most likely lived its whole life in a cage and won't know how to survive and find food outside.
kuzzy00 22
You do realise domesticated animals still have basic inherited desires to scourge food.
kinky44 28
Scrounge is the word you were looking for. Also, if a pet is raised to await a feeding, that is how it will behave unless trained otherwise.
alycion 39
Yes 72 my husky shows it every night when he tries to counter surf. Yet he only does it when there is competition for resources, a foster dog in the home.
Jellybellybeanz 22
Dude you gotta stand up. Just say no, and make him take it back.
A07 48
Threaten to eat the bird if he/she does'nt return it. Usually works.
DippinGrizzly907 27
Well, eat your half. Can't be greedy when splitting the expenses
NeatNit 33
'Usually works'?! What the hell did you do?
ArentWeAll 4
BIRDDDDS
Infamous_Tora 12
Just one bird, bud.
jtthegr8 26
Buy a falcon. Falcon will take care of that bitch ass parrot.
kangx1 28
Hire captain Falcon and he'll kill that bitch ass parrot with a Falcon Punch!
DrownedMyFish 18
Hopefully you toucan settle this situation without it getting anymore hawkward than it already is.
JR7ISME 18
I'd expect a seagull to this FML in that case. Get it? seagull/ sequel ? nobody? Ok
stevothedevo 25
@31 Nope
xivoricbutterfly 25
Get a cat. Cat eats parrot = sleep.
shyeahh_fml 19
Cat eats OP