Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML
Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML
Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML
Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML
Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. As I started putting my arm around her, I hit her in the face. FML
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Top comments
Rellich 0
I want to say, "YDI," but no one deserves a psycho bitch like that...
smiller0789 3
******...up
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Comments (195)
phatdaddy 0
What do you expect from someone who wanted to go to see "New Moon?" YDI for having shitty taste in women AND movies.
kibotoyuki 7
^This. Thank you for taking the words right out of my mouth.
kibotoyuki 7
^This. Thank you for taking the words right out of my mouth.
jazzmancarron 11
shoulda lit the bitch on fire
Brave_Sir_Robin 4
A good way to start the month of Decembeard... oh wait...
Boudewijn 0
Pic or it didn't happen'! ^_^ lawl
Jimboom 12
At that point you should have smashed her phone on the ground and walked away.
giiiiinge 0
are you santa? :)
turdburgers 0
I do hope you sue her for any medical bills. Bitch.
Rb23 0
Why didn't you just blow the lighter out?
ithatguy 0
because i didn't think she'd get that close
NrthrnLghts 0
YDI for succumbing to Stphanie Meyer, the hagfish of the literary realm.
HJB 0
Sounds like you guys are 12 years old... how do you have a long enough beard to burn??? I call shenanigans...
Kylias 6
By... growing it out, I'd imagine... The same way as a short beard. Simpler still, beards don't have to be particularly long to burn. Hair is hair is flammable, and just happens that chins are within lighterin' range. OP, I think your date completely misunderstood "Kill it with fire".