Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML
Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML
Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML
Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML
Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML
Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML
Today, I opened my lunch at work to discover that my sandwich was a soggy mess. The Tupperware I'd put it in was a piece of crap, and all the mayo had leaked out. I tried to salvage it but then spilled the whole thing in my lap. I ended up eating my lunch with a plastic fork, and even my fingers, like an angry animal. FML
Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML
Today, I bought a fancy salad for lunch and went to eat it in the park. A strong gust of wind flipped the lid off and launched half the salad into my lap. As I jumped up to shake it off, I slipped on a stray tomato slice, fell backward onto the grass, and watched as a seagull swooped in to eat my croutons. FML
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Top comments
youmakemyday_fml 0
ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...
ozymandias_fml 0
You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?
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Comments (231)
The_Cait 0
I agree with what most people have had to say: Why the hell would you wipe up and ingest ANYTHING off a table [particularly a public one]? Also, #50: Agreed!!
jumpropechamp 0
i just want to say this is complete BS. First off when you sat down at the table you would've noticed the bird poo there. With that being said there is no way you are that oblivious that after the plates were taken away a bird pooped there without you noticing. You are full of sh** and you are just retarded for eating mayo off of a public table, where did you grow up? The jungle? Okay Tarzan, make sure you clean the table after you eat. You are sick person and my prayers go out to you and your family.
guitardedman 0
hahahaha fucktard. im gonna eat this warm white substance left on a dirt table at an outdoor restaurant. why would warm mayo tempt you that much in the first place? ydi x 1000
Blind_Ninja 0
#53, a thought just occurred to me. Mayo would have been cool in temperature while bird good would have been warm.
pancakelover 0
Yummy!
juggyjones 0
that's what you get for eating something that landed on the table. ew.
mummy162 0
never eat mayo off an outdoor table
Philinchains 0
God, IDIOT. you have some nasty habits. that's ridiculously disgusting. Im not gonna ask why. I assume you also pick food off the floor. probably scratches his balls while cooking. Dont worry your obviously an Idiot so this isnt going to be the worst thing you've done or tasted. Im sure someday you'll have kids if you don't already then you might change a poopy diaper then make a sandwich without washing your hands. And by the way the meat in your sandwich isnt bad. that smell is your dirty hands. yes thats poop you didnt wash off.
guitardedman 0
54 thats assuming that the people before him spilled it, ate quickly, and were walking out the door when he walked in..i mean a small little dab of 'mayo' would get up to room temperature fairly quickly, but maybe if it was colder outside it could make more sense, but if it was cold out, i don't know why they'd eat outside.. hmmm
d00ditsrob 0
Mayo is disgusting anyways. I bed the bird shit tasted better.