Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML
Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML
Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML
Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML
Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML
Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML
Today, I opened my lunch at work to discover that my sandwich was a soggy mess. The Tupperware I'd put it in was a piece of crap, and all the mayo had leaked out. I tried to salvage it but then spilled the whole thing in my lap. I ended up eating my lunch with a plastic fork, and even my fingers, like an angry animal. FML
Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML
Today, I bought a fancy salad for lunch and went to eat it in the park. A strong gust of wind flipped the lid off and launched half the salad into my lap. As I jumped up to shake it off, I slipped on a stray tomato slice, fell backward onto the grass, and watched as a seagull swooped in to eat my croutons. FML
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Top comments
youmakemyday_fml 0
ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...
ozymandias_fml 0
You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?
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Comments (231)
neverland_fml 0
What the hell is with all the FMLs related to retards just licking things off tables? I'm not into the whole swine flu panic, but there are actual germs out there and they do lurk on surfaces. When something's on the ground, don't be a glutton. It's dirty. Go get some more or something else. YDI. For being stupid and for thinking eating mayo straight off the table is okay.
Roddsy 0
eww. you have hygiene problems ;o; this FML is disgusting D;
liquidpaper 0
A lot of you obviously have limited experience with bird shit. Sometimes it's white and has the approximate consistency of mayo. That said, OP deserved it for licking stuff off the table. An outdoor table, to boot. Have you no common sense?
MonkeySpeaks 4
That is really gross - regardless what it was, WHY would you EVER wipe something off the table (especially a condiment! and moreso mayo!) off a dirty table. Gross.
Blind_Ninja 0
59: Mayo left out at "room temperature" is still cool to the touch. The bird shit would have been fresh, since OP didn't notice it before, and that would have been warm. I've had a bird shit on me once while in P.E. I know how warm it is compared to mayo... I work in a burger joint, that gets HOT, and mayo is basically always cool to the touch.
omgitsbee 0
Hahahaha this is hilarious sucks for you tho sorry.. I hope you spit it out. Did you?
sirjohnly 0
FAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another person posted one just like this yesterday, except it was about dropping a piece of meat on the ground. You both used the same setting, clearly u stole his and spun it
mustangsami118 5
i love mayo but..that's gross..what kind of stupid person eats something off a dirty table..def YDI
wallythedolly 0
WHY WOULD YOU EAT SOMETHING OFF A DIRTY TABLE LIKE THAT? YDI SQUARED
shankzilla 0
this is fake as ****, and if it isn't then i hope you got avian bird flu and darwin'd yourself out of the human race you stupid pigfucker