Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML
Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML
Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML
Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML
Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML
Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML
Today, I opened my lunch at work to discover that my sandwich was a soggy mess. The Tupperware I'd put it in was a piece of crap, and all the mayo had leaked out. I tried to salvage it but then spilled the whole thing in my lap. I ended up eating my lunch with a plastic fork, and even my fingers, like an angry animal. FML
Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML
Today, I bought a fancy salad for lunch and went to eat it in the park. A strong gust of wind flipped the lid off and launched half the salad into my lap. As I jumped up to shake it off, I slipped on a stray tomato slice, fell backward onto the grass, and watched as a seagull swooped in to eat my croutons. FML
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Top comments
youmakemyday_fml 0
ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...
ozymandias_fml 0
You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?
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Comments (231)
Celebratelife 0
Why would you lick mayo off the table? That's gross anyway. Are you 8?
ComputerAnalysis 0
So what have we learned today?
AntiChrist7 0
everything that sticks on a table is gross anyway. is your mental age 2?
hahaha6 0
1) Eww because it's mayo 2) Ewww to wiping it off the table! Do you know how gross those tables are? When they wipe them down they do it with a wet cloth that they have just wiped everything else down with.... no they do not get a fresh rag, no they do not even run fresh warm water through it. Restaurants have trouble keeping bacteria off fresh lemon/lime slices why would you 'essentially' lick something off a public table, outside?
Lotus_Eater 0
Fatass.
LoLLiPoPPiCoRnZ 0
only 5 year olds lick stuff off the table. ur life is ****** and you deserved it at the same time. never lick anything off a table. I might hav to tell 5 year olds that but I'm guessing you're about 17 or 18.
shananigans 0
That's disgusting, most civilized people above the age of four know that you don't lick tables or lick things off of tables. Gross, YDI.
ladywaldo 0
Ahhhhhh!!!! Filthy filthy filthy!!! Learn your lesson????? Sure hope so
Blind_Ninja 0
OP deserved it. First for being a fat ass. Honestly, mayo? That's not exactly the kind of condiment that people eat on its own. Maybe ranch, or barbeque, or ketchup.... but mayo? Yeah, that screams fat ass. Second for not being able to tell the difference between bird splatter and mayo. Idiot, much? Third... eat a piece of a meat or some vegetables off a table during the meal, I'll give you the five second rule. But some sauce after your meal is over? Come the **** on....
vampirate 0
Ok, well, this is invented. We need two more buttons: "so what?" and "bullshit"