Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my 15 year-old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML
Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident, then one of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "ASSHOLE!" afterwards. FML
Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML
Today, I was in the car with my daughter when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML
Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says, "I see no damage" and drives away. FML
Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML
Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML
Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML
Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML
Today, my wife came home and said, "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened…" She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green, she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her didn't. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3-inch hole in the bumper. FML
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Top comments
JustinThunder 8
******' Asshole?
rebekahah 7
77- you misspelled *smart. Ironic?
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Comments (104)
sam_ash 3
Probably "******' asshole?"
iAmScrubs 19
Chicken in the hole's these days. When will they learn?
princessjazz 0
que?
saIty 17
Suck my **** in the anus.
pamelax3 6
That made no sense whatsoever.
GuidoCheese 0
Parents like you make me sick! Chicken in the holes.... gosh.
supermankisses 1
It happens, and I'm sure the kid will grow up just fine.
BigBrownEyes675 0
Your one to talk when your smoking a cigerette in your profile pic! Imagation when you have kids. when you smoke around them , that's sending them a message that it's alright and that if you get to do it, one day they will too
hansenisabelle 0
I'm pretty sure he was joking
bjulie1998 5
He was being sarcastic. Psh...people these days (that was sarcasm too).
bennetts211 2
Hey, 63, could you tell me what "imagation" means? And also [while I do NOT support smoking, by any means] people believing that smoking's okay, and doing it when they're above the age limit is perfectly legal and okay. That's their choice, not yours.
nerdfighteria 7
Is that what you're worried about? If you smoked around your kids, you'd basically be killing them with the secondhand smoke. Anyway, the guy was kidding.
geeksaresexy 18
Even if you don't smoke around your kids (if you go outside etc) they still know what you're doing. It's widely accepted that children are more likely to smoke if one of their parents smoke. Kids copy their parents whether it's smoking, swearing, eating habits or dress sense. They WILL mimic you! #18 was clearly joking though..
cheer4ever96 8
at least she's not saying why you really said. :P
shali14 0
well watch what Yu say around Yur child!
Pokadotshorts 0
You should learn to spell.
bennetts211 2
"Yu" couldn't be ******* bothered to type two o's, but "yu" could hold the shift key, twice? "Yu" must think "yur" so cool!
geeksaresexy 18
Even worse, I bet they used caps lock not shift...
TacoDog 0
Wash her mouth out, there is no need for that kind of smut!
ThorneCrossed 9
**** shit ass bitch **** shoobidy doo whop
ProudTexan117 0
skippidy beebop, uh Christopher reeves, sonny Bono, skis, horses, and hittin some trees.
ThorneCrossed 9
glad someone caught that haha
chiddy_bang71 0
Ahh 41 beat me there!
BigBrownEyes675 0
**** Shit Pussy Ass Mother ******' Damn Bitch. words curtsy of Insane Clown Posse!
pimpadelic12 4
hell yea ICP please dont hate me is the best;)
chiddy_bang71 0
eminem>insane clown posse
TacoDog 0
Please remove your jiggalo behavior from my comment.
chiddy_bang71 0
I havnt heard any recent icp so I don't know about now, but the new eminem isnt great. however, em was a better mc than shaggy and violent when he was in his prime. hands down.
tpiper2852 0
kids say the darndest things...
jklol11 0
your daughter picks up on things quite quickly