Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my 15 year-old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML
Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident, then one of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "ASSHOLE!" afterwards. FML
Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML
Today, I was in the car with my daughter when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML
Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says, "I see no damage" and drives away. FML
Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML
Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML
Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML
Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML
Today, my wife came home and said, "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened…" She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green, she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her didn't. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3-inch hole in the bumper. FML
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Top comments
JustinThunder 8
******' Asshole?
rebekahah 7
77- you misspelled *smart. Ironic?
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Comments (104)
JustinThunder 8
******' Asshole?
DarkHelmet 10
most likely
beckymu 4
she did swear. the mom just didnt post what it actually was....
Khyle1396 0
"...my daughter yelled her own version of what I said." And that's where you're wrong. :P
uglyyness 0
at least she's not yelling "Female Dog!" every time the car comes to a hault :)
Silenthunter 0
Oh ****
flockz 20
where is there a dick in a hole????
enonymous 9
The job is not complete until she is taught how to honk the horn and flip the guy off. Get to work OP, a dad of the year mug is waiting for you
supermankisses 1
Actually, it would 'Mommy' of the year..
TheFakeFamilyGuy 10
****?
BaconDave 12
"****" in the hole
whybother8 0
its a mommy not a daddy dude
dolphincheddar 10
so is it a "mommy dude" then? prepostorous. anyways you should probably get that chicken out of the whole he fights well when he's angry, ask Peter griffin.
rallets 23
i sense a revolution coming... the birds have left the coup, coming to peck at the remains of their once great civilization... you have been forewarned... the battle starts here, keyboard warriors... good luck...
enonymous 9
There are no women on the Internet. until I see her driving while holding the baby, her birth certificate in one hand, starbucks mug in her crotch, yelling at the car infront of her while doing her make up, putting a new cd in the stereo and texting her baby daddy I'm just not convinced
dolphincheddar 10
thank you rallets. I raise my iPhone in salute to your speech of battle. the knights who say nee are preparing to strike at any moment. also. to the previous comment, there are certain secret agents on the internet called girls. which stands for guy in real life
Drclino 0
71 = win....they do not poop and are not start enough to work the internets
oarisimo 4
60, you're dumb.
rebekahah 7
77- you misspelled *smart. Ironic?
kickass1142 7
Motherfuckin' *****?
ImanAzol 4
Your mom.
free2speak 14
I'm thinking she said frickin' asshole. freakin' sounds closer to chicken than ******.
tpike1296 11
I was thinking she said "SHIT!.....Asshole." and the kid thought she said "chicken in the hole". I don't know about you, but I usually say "Shit!" when something happens that could hit/hurt me.
krista2009 0
women are smart enough to do anything they want dumbass
cldean24 4
Actually, 65, I think it is spelled hole, not whole. A chicken in a whole? Preposterous. Anyway, it's hard to tell what she really said, but still funny. :)
zgomon 10
**** sucker?
MrFraser25 2
How dare she say chicken?
browntiga 0
dude why did yu go to father? r yu thinking about yourself?
TheFakeFamilyGuy 10
150- you* are* you* . Also, your sentence does not make sense
BaconDave 12
Just duct tape her mouth shut
taytay6510 6
or she can DUCK tape her mouth shut, get it chicken,duck. that was extremely useless and not funny one bit. :) haha I CRACK myself up...get it crack, egg ? ok I'm just going to stop now ;)
hammerfall26 6
lmao WIN
Mystery_Machete 2
#158, Too bad there are people who will actually think you are making a serious correction. If I had a penny for every time someone has told me that it's not duct tape, it's duck... I'd have a shit ton of small change.
itsrainingmen_fml 0
chickenshit asshole?
Ravens1001 0
83 - There is no 60.
taytay6510 6
176 - Yeah, you know those ducks need their tape, I wouldn't **** with them. ;)
poopy56 0
where does it indicate that she is a women
mommyx2 0
not funny at all
igoteffed 0
its obviously a woman driving because women are terrible drivers. proven by, Tosh.0
skyiscool 0
158, duck tape is the name brand for duct tape, so duck tape is duct tape but duct tape isn't duck tape
ilikeyouuu 0
176- There is a brand called Duck tape. it comes in a shit ton of colors. I just saw it at Walgreens.
taytay6510 6
haha I never even thought of that, that ***** the ****.
auntiemonster 4
They do actually have Duck tape now... It's a brand of duct tape that is colorfully decorated! :) They have it at Wal-Mart
Blood_Rose_Intox 3
The fact that the name is 'mommy.'
anna15243 6
obviously you aren't either. you're a really bad speller. it's supposed to be smart not start. that makes no sense. duh
pandas_13 2
158-It was once called duck tape because it was waterproof, then they changed the name when they started using it to repair ducts
Mischief109 11
Precisely why teenage boys' insurance is higher than girls' Idgit
Kony12 0
Duct tape, turning "no, no, no" into "mm, mm, mm" since ______?
notsocrazee 0
geez... what'd yoy say?
davizv 0
****** asshole
fashionistaGirll 0
badd parentingg..
JesusFishTaco 5
Lickin in the bowl.
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
'picking at my mole'
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
Dancing on a pole.
zinoxity 23
Laughing while you roll
buiscit 0
crapping a troll
deeloveee 4
Are you stupid? It's not bad parenting, kids can pick up more words and sayings from TV, friends and anything someone says.
prince122 0
dick in my hole? thats what I yell when my life is in danger.
DynamicDave 11
Kicking buttered rolls?
RainbowzSkittlez 6
Suckin a pole?
Mystery_Machete 2
Hatin' on Bob Dole?
Hammer940 7
this one is my favorite
ThisRandomChild 0
'check your inner hole'?
perfctlyimprfct8 0
havin' sex with Flo?
emilybaby2012 0
I laughed so hard at all of these comments. hahahahaha.
iloveyouxx121 0
umm did she/he say thy it was bad parenting ? um neo
jesernoob 13
?
AmericanRedcoat 6
sucking my mole?
dotar_fml 23
what the ****?
Captain_Obvious2_fml 6
....is wrong with your face?...
NomOnShroomz 14
...it's just meth...honestly, he can quit whenever he wants..... right buddy?....
mlexi21 5
I was going to say that. xD
Saltime 0
No you weren't.
HelloNoora1 0
29 - it's an app on the iPod called OldBooth
BigBrownEyes675 0
I though it was called age your face...
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
AIDS kills people
The_Weirdo 10
No, he's just a leper. They have Internet in leper camps now.
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
why wasnt bieber invited then?
BaconDave 12
Mae ei llun yn dod o'r cais AgingBooth America. Mae ei wyneb yn debyg iawn.
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
English please?
BaconDave 12
Ewch i uffern anghyfreithlon
BaconDave 12
Hy guys what's up? Some of the Welsh people gotta here this OK?
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
because we're all Welsh. c'mon man
hegira 18
Children pick up everything you don't want them to hear. D: YDI, but that's unfortunate.
marix54888 0
well I haven't heard my mom curse until I was driving with my permit. :) so 15.
DarkHelmet 10
a 1 yr old can say chicken in the hole huh..
Bano360 25
Yeah, a child's vocabulary does grow you know. My one year old sister can say, chicken etc. Not uncommon.
MrSassypants 34
5 I once saw a little baby that was talking to his dad in a stroller (the baby was in the stroller not the dad) and he was saying Baby-"You're a mother ******!" Dad-"No you're a mother ******." Baby-"You're a mother ******." It was funny as hell. I was laughing so hard. It's a true story and the best part was it was at Disney World.
rawrlily 0
I went to some chick's sleepover when I was 9, and the chick's little sister (about 2) ran around the house screaming, "SHUT YOUR ******* MOUTH!" Later on, the kid pulled a bookshelf over on herself. That birthday party sucked hard.
MrSassypants 34
101 was it a sleepover birthdayparty? You said it was a sleepover at first and then birthday party and it kinda confused me.
rawrlily 0
Yeah, it was a sleepover birthday party. Did I mention one girl had goddamn LICE?
svanduym 1
Not uncommon for a 1-year-old to be able to say any/all of those individual words, but to be able to produce a whole phrase at that age would be pretty out of the ordinary.
babe0907 0
my daughter at the Age of 1 had an extensive vocabulary so yeah they can and will say stuff of that nature!!
geeksaresexy 18
Even if a child of that age couldn't string together a full sentence they can still mimic what you say. If they don't understand the words you're using they substitute similar sounding words that they do know.
dargotit 0
yeah my 1 yr old can talk... but what did u say? ****** asshole?
wordnerd42 0
48 - Should I bother to point out how the 1-year old seemed to have way more common sense than the dad? The kid spoke the truth, the dad was just being a poor sport. Typical.
toad396 0
what what u say bich
MegaBear 0
ha that's just funny!
RyanMacVey 17
thats not what you actually said though right? ... wait ... what did you say? **** someone tell me?
MrSexyPants 14
It could've been "fricken asshole"
OCDC 9
******* asshole
flockz 20
dick in a hole*
chiddy_bang71 0
*chicken outside of the whole
DerpyHooves 0
*chicken outside of the hole
SirEBC 7
Oh, good lord. Someone put an end to this fuckery.
grapisy 8
That doesn't rhyme with "chicken in the hole" at all.
almostalbino 10
No silly, that doesn't sound anything like "chicken in a hole!"
wtfmylifedude 8
What on earth did you say?
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
...
Kasse 4
At least your daughter doesn't actually swear. This isn't really an FM, would be if she was swearing though.
samikitty961 8
this is irrelevant, but i just wanted to say that you have a beautiful cat.
smallandtired 0
Agreed