Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML
Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML
Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML
Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work; I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML
Today, on a whim, I decided to try to light a fart on fire. I now know how it feels to take a dump when you have a burn directly on your asshole. FML
Today, I chuckled at a "No Smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML
Today, while sitting at a red light with my window down, the asshat next to me flicked his still-lit cigarette away. It landed in my car and wedged between me and my seat. It burned a hole in my shirt and my seat, and burned my back and hair. FML
Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML
Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
... Why is cigarette in quotation marks? Why not just say "I was smoking a joint?" Also. You're a woman with an uncomfortable burn on your man member? ... Whatever floats you're boat. And sorry if you're transgendered and I've offended you.
Jimboom 12
Ha ha! Sorry to hear that happened but yes, smoking is bad Mmmmkay. Could have been worse though.... it could have been a cigar.
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Comments (192)
lesp 6
Why is cigarette in quotes? lmao. YDI
Wheat 0
I suspect a fake. Let us all don our detective caps, now.
whitefishblackC 0
so, burning your vag (and/or junk) is what it took for you to realize smoking is bad? wow, you are an idiot
prettykitty123 0
Tokeing weed on the toilet.. Classy.
Qup 0
umm...yeah.
mifo 0
Some people have unspeakable grace.
zooauthor7 0
**** you, I'm an anteater!!
skullbuster 0
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I was wondering why this hermaphrodite retard put quotes around the word cigarette. Weed explains an awful lot about this FML and the OP. OP: Take heart, something good has come of this. The burn on your "man member" will deter you from having sex and will keep the world safe, at least for a couple more weeks anyway, from any possibility of your spawn being conceived to carry on your stupidity!
asoldieroforange 0
OP, I thank you, for inducing even MORE predictable 'aha..well it's NJ' jokes =(. Thanks. On behalf of the entire state.
EmbryH 0
Smoking is bad. xD lol
yellowIA 0
Maybe he was a man but after he burned his man member, he became a woman??