Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML
Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML
Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML
Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work; I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML
Today, on a whim, I decided to try to light a fart on fire. I now know how it feels to take a dump when you have a burn directly on your asshole. FML
Today, I chuckled at a "No Smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML
Today, while sitting at a red light with my window down, the asshat next to me flicked his still-lit cigarette away. It landed in my car and wedged between me and my seat. It burned a hole in my shirt and my seat, and burned my back and hair. FML
Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML
Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
... Why is cigarette in quotation marks? Why not just say "I was smoking a joint?" Also. You're a woman with an uncomfortable burn on your man member? ... Whatever floats you're boat. And sorry if you're transgendered and I've offended you.
Jimboom 12
Ha ha! Sorry to hear that happened but yes, smoking is bad Mmmmkay. Could have been worse though.... it could have been a cigar.
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Comments (192)
Jimboom 12
Ha ha! Sorry to hear that happened but yes, smoking is bad Mmmmkay. Could have been worse though.... it could have been a cigar.
ravensierra 0
Sucks to be Fidel Castro.
mkak 0
hello
greenbiscuits 0
never say "smoking is bad" D:
Lmao_xD 0
yeah smoking is bad. see what happens haha
zargon 1
Consider that the OP may have mistakenly chosen gender, or may be transgendered. Neither of these explanations are confusing, though the first one would be rather silly. Now, get over it, everyone.
FarSide 23
Your "Man Member" is a pussy?
FarSide 23
Um... Sounds like a Jersey woman... trying to smoke your joint with your twat... I think you are doing it wrong
neverland_fml 0
AHAHAAAA, #120, you're hilarious and so right. XDD
xero_art 0
obviously the poster is a woman, an enlightened woman who understands that her ****** belongs to man.
Jlevrt 0
i agree with the last sentence OP. ( lol #5's comment)
oh_dee 0
drugs are just bad, mmkay? (eminem reference haha...#1's post reminded me of that)
YANKSFAN4EVER 0
YA ITS BAD!!!!
zazrael 0
164; it's a south park reference, check your info. and OP, haha my mate did this back in our sophomore year of highschool. we heard him yell down the hall in class. enjoy the burn
chillyCholo 5
I was waiting for the "mmkay?" at the end of this.
childproofpizza 19
you dont ash a cigar
AndelleRae 9
... Why is cigarette in quotation marks? Why not just say "I was smoking a joint?" Also. You're a woman with an uncomfortable burn on your man member? ... Whatever floats you're boat. And sorry if you're transgendered and I've offended you.
Faced159 0
I was just about to say that.
Puolukka 4
Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe, just MAYBE, they accidentally chose the wrong gender? It can easily happen, I did stuff like that on dropdown menues plenty of times when I still had the box selected and used the scroll button on my mouse. Or maybe the moderator messed it up or forgot to correct it?! It was posted by Anonymous so obviously it's not the gender of their FML profile which is non-existant since --> Anonymus
zed_eh 0
No it never occurred to me. But thanks for clarifying that. :D
Casualt1234 0
or maybe he was being funny saying that now he is a woman cuz he burned his penis
robertertert 0
Maybe the poster is a woman, and she didn't know the FML shows her gender... it's a LOT funnier when you say "I have a burn on my man-member" than "I have ash in my ******." A lot of things are like that, actually........
cmillertime7 0
Yeah, you could have just said "I was smoking a joint," which would be lame, but putting quotes around cigarette instead is even lamer. Also this is the worst FML I've ever read. It wasn't funny, you're just another dumb stoner.
FarSide 23
I know exactly what you mean. You don't know how many times my face has been slapped when I walk in the Women's restroom at Applebee's.
girandwogpig 0
No I got it. She is so blazed from the "cigarette" that she thought she had a man member down there. And then while she was still blazed, she got onto FML and wrote a story none of us could understand! Yes it makes perfect sense now!!!
Horsempeg 25
#100.. just cause you don't smoke, you don't need to rag on OP for doing so. No body is judging you so no need to judge them. Not everyone who smokes pot is a "dumb stoner"
MissyMayhem 0
On 07/17/2009 at 1:11am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey) A woman burned her man member? Ouch.
bangtank 0
well she's from new jersey so anything is possible.
genius_man16 1
lmao. 44 wins
bitchfacee 0
i was thinking the exact same thing lol
fyourlife33 0
literally the worst attempt ever at making an fml, unless something is seriously wrong with you op in your gender identity department. but new jersey could definitely explain it... those guidos just get so confused sometimes
Brooklynxman 0
44: I love you. Really there is a special place in my heart for people like you.
FarSide 23
You now it is a fake. Everyone knows New Jersey "men" have pencil dicks.... I mean what were the chances?
sammehsaurus 0
lmao 44(: you are currently my favorite person on the Internet :D
xxDefiantxx 0
could have meant her man's member as in it belongs to her man
mcronin 15
They probably just did not bother to change the gender.
DrMorbid 0
"Don't ash into pissoirs. We're not peeing into your ash trays either."
zed_eh 0
Yes! You just told that Shemale!!!
drinkupgorgeous 0
LMFAO #78
Shemia 7
i'm confused, are you a man or a woman ?
420jock 0
damn that sucks big time. Smoking on the can is the best!
EMR_fml 0
"Burn on my man member" by Anonymous (woman) Are you a hermaphrodite? If so then YLIF for being a woman with a dick
diet_otaku 0
unless she moves to japan, then she could have a lucrative **** career.
mcronin 15
They probably just didn't change the gender.
Darth_Taco 14
A post on FML has never confused me more...are you a man or a woman? More importantly, you should know to never multi-task with pooping. Oh well, at least you didn't eat XP.
GreenDaysGeekGrl 0
You're a woman and that happened to you? I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Huh?"
fnool 0
Smoking is bad. "Smoking" (in the context of a "cigarette"), on the other hand...
cmillertime7 0
Smoking anything is bad. Smoke does not belong in your lungs, period. Though I would agree that cigarettes kill quicker, at least they don't make you dumb, slow, and forgetful.
dotVillain 1
Most people who smoke "cigarettes" are actually very intelligent. i.e. Albert Einstein. Do some research on the stuff and maybe you wont look like such a pompous moron next time you decide to be a rebel.
Nick402 0
Smoking pot isn't exactly healthy either. It's not too bad and is better than cigarettes, but it's still not exactly the best thing to be doing with your body. Still shouldn't be illegal. People are allowed to do a whole lot of other worse crap with their body, like eating McDonald's, but that's not illegal. :P And intelligence has nothing to do with it. Just because you smoke or don't smoke, doesn't mean you are intelligent because "omg Einstein smoked" or dumb for that matter. Intelligence and smoking joints/cigarrettes have no correlation. Some of the dumbest people I know have smoked pot and some of the smartest people I know have also smoked pot.
miquonranger03 0
It's not better than cigarettes. Pot coats your lungs just as fast. No matter what you're smoking, the soot is what'll kill you.
bms1996 12
if they were so smart they wouldn't start smoking in the first place idiot
sandormatyi 25
"Smoking" is "bad"