Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML
Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML
Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML
Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work; I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML
Today, on a whim, I decided to try to light a fart on fire. I now know how it feels to take a dump when you have a burn directly on your asshole. FML
Today, I chuckled at a "No Smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML
Today, while sitting at a red light with my window down, the asshat next to me flicked his still-lit cigarette away. It landed in my car and wedged between me and my seat. It burned a hole in my shirt and my seat, and burned my back and hair. FML
Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML
Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
AndelleRae 9
... Why is cigarette in quotation marks? Why not just say "I was smoking a joint?" Also. You're a woman with an uncomfortable burn on your man member? ... Whatever floats you're boat. And sorry if you're transgendered and I've offended you.
Jimboom 12
Ha ha! Sorry to hear that happened but yes, smoking is bad Mmmmkay. Could have been worse though.... it could have been a cigar.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (192)
vampyr8 0
Um... it says this was posted by a woman, and yet the poster is having issues with their "man member"... I'm confused. What the hell?
Bmlacme 3
Obviously none of you have EVERR smoked while taking a shit. It is quite possibly the best shit you will ever take! :p OP: next time maybe you should get like a can or a bottle to ash in. that way you can just hold it in your hand!
bosox3rd 0
smoking is bad, but that is beyond the point. taking a dump while smoking, WTF?!?!? YDI
genki008 0
HAHAHAHAHAAAHHAAAAAHAHA . Thanks for posting. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=305vRNoofr8
SeventhFonons 0
Smoking ruins voices. How can you sleep at night when you are disrupting the singers of the world? You vex me.
fxdxhk90 0
This is hilarious. Bet you won't do that again.
AtLeastImHigh 0
That's why I have a garbage can next to the toilet. And don't smoke a J, smoke a blunt, it's much better for big dumps(just trust me on that one). And if you haven't smoked before, or you are under the age of 13, you probably shouldn't respond to this FML, as you have no, let me repeat- NO - idea what you are talking about. Drugs are bad. Plants are good. And hell, even the drugs are fun every once in a while ;)
medfly 2
Tobacco is so awesome it gave my mum's boyfriend a coronary artery bypass surgery. I agree, plants rock.
honeydoodles 0
Tobacco comes from a plant too.
jewelzgalore 0
Lmao! "Man member" is officially my new favorite phrase. It's even more hilarious because you stated your gender as female.
lobby0ne 0
WEED!!
Jpster 0
duh dumbshit