Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML
Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML
Today, I mistook a coworker’s laughter for choking and performed the Heimlich maneuver on them in the break room. They weren’t choking, but now they’re afraid to laugh near me. FML
Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML
Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML
Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML
Today, I was at a friend's house teasing her with a pickle. She hates them so I thought it would be funny to pretend to deep throat it. Her dad came in and startled me so bad, I inhaled it. She had to call 911 while he performed the Heimlich maneuver. I’m no longer welcome back. FML
Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML
Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML
Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML
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Top comments
morondon000 14
Well you could do the hymen maneuver... But I'd try saving them first.
jamie_elocin 18
I feel that would make a good pickup line... "Hey baby, I'm trained in CPR. Want me to show you the hymen maneuver?"
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Comments (56)
morondon000 14
Well you could do the hymen maneuver... But I'd try saving them first.
baseballbv 17
The hymen maneuver is probably what you'd perform on the girlfriend. Don't forget the swirl.
drunkmunkey 24
and make sure you get consent first, otherwise you're just creepy
reidier1 16
But is HAS to be a counterockwise swirl. Or it ruins the move.
christi_im21 12
That only works on virgins
Nilorak 24
You don't? My life is a lie.
naajster 14
FYL #2
jamie_elocin 18
I feel that would make a good pickup line... "Hey baby, I'm trained in CPR. Want me to show you the hymen maneuver?"
Pleonasm 36
I fear performing CPR on a choking victim would only worsen the situation!
MrConcise 35
"I can resuscitate you after you're done choking. ;)"
chosha_fml 27
#3 Pick up line, yes. Good pick up line, not so much.
Kevin1157 10
#8, on the contrary. I'm a 911 dispatcher and we are trained on how to instruct people to do chest compressions properly on choking victims. Obviously getting the lodged object out is the first effort, however, if that's not possible chest compressions are instructed because it helps keep blood flowing to the heart and sometimes can actually help dislodge the object.
aire101 16
Well, i hope you weren't trying to make a good impression... also hope they had a good sense of humor about the mix up.
Brandi_Faith 34
Ya, this could either be a really funny situation that they all laughed about, or a super awkward one if the parents found it rude or something! Wonder which way it went for OP?
Demoniq 25
I think the parents were definitely better off than OP on this one...
RobertWJV86 11
Is the hymen maneuver the complete opposit of the heimlich maneuver..?
naajster 14
I'm sure it involves dancing.. horizontally
Pleonasm 36
Either way you're pumping in and out until it pops out.
_FML_Austin_ 12
Remember ones for going in and ones for going out!
vikky538 29
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
and you did/said this infornt of your girlfriends parents at their house...
HJKM_fml 19
Hopefully they were nice about it. I get that it can be embarrassing when you slip up like that especially when you're trying so hard to impress but, hey, at least you know now and can avoid potentially awkward situations from here on out.
Zebediabolical 45
If she's a virgin who likes to play hard, I guess you could do the hymen maneuver when she's choking.