Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML
Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML
Today, I mistook a coworker’s laughter for choking and performed the Heimlich maneuver on them in the break room. They weren’t choking, but now they’re afraid to laugh near me. FML
Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML
Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML
Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML
Today, I was at a friend's house teasing her with a pickle. She hates them so I thought it would be funny to pretend to deep throat it. Her dad came in and startled me so bad, I inhaled it. She had to call 911 while he performed the Heimlich maneuver. I’m no longer welcome back. FML
Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML
Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML
Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML
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Top comments
morondon000 14
Well you could do the hymen maneuver... But I'd try saving them first.
jamie_elocin 18
I feel that would make a good pickup line... "Hey baby, I'm trained in CPR. Want me to show you the hymen maneuver?"
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Comments (56)
SjoyousS 4
well since you made it up in your own head....
LibertyLife20 20
You are both wrong, it is now called abdominal thrusts ;P
SjoyousS 4
whats a hymen?
catharsis5 9
It's a lining in a woman's ****** that is "torn" during the first time a woman has sex. Historically speaking, it's used as a measure on a woman's purity though it is possible for a woman to still have it after giving birth and it is possible that it would be torn if a woman rides horses and bikes a lot.
liz1515 10
At least you didn't say "hymen remover"
Satoshi08 5
The Hymen maneuver, a secret and more advanced form of CPR only taught to a select few of the royal family. The Hymen maneuver involves only a flick for it to work.
808andheartbreak 16
This is my favorite fml to date. Hope you can reclaim yourself.
Demoniq 25
So your maneuver has nothing to do with their daughter's parts? What a waste.
Saraishi 25
You do that one when you take a V-card. Sorry OP, but that's just funny.
ShadowSneaker360 16
At least you didn't say Hymen Remover
Tashie96 21
My dad was drinking a Heineken beer and started choking, when he'd finished choking, he said that "someone should've done the 'Heineken Manoeuvre' to stop the choking". Not as amusing as your story OP, but it was fairly funny for those who were there