Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
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Top comments
BillyMadisonFTW 5
Did it scare the shit out of him?
Drigr 9
I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... ****...?
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Comments (209)
Kasse 4
Bugs are creepy- in fact they're downright ******* scary. Way too many legs. Ugh. I don't blame the husband. Especially a crawly as filthy as a cockroach.
chrispasta 3
How much creepier would it be if you saw a roach walk by on two legs
ramseyrutherford 2
There are 10,000 individual bacteria per square inch of skin on your body, not to mention what's inside, and your calling a cockroach filthy...
charlotte69er 7
So u comforted him while he wiped his ass?
RochelleRedvines 8
I'm pretty sure that's what the FML said.
kimg0885 23
Around my house we have date beetles, now those are scary, they look like roaches on steroids.
dsl1123 8
Sissy
porcupineattack1 5
I hope you like cats, because your husband is a pussy.
MissMae93 23
Hmm, so just for clarification: having an irrational fear and/or phobia (which most NORMAL people do have) makes someone a "pussy"? I highly doubt you're not afraid of anything and if you are afraid of even one thing, well that would just simply make you, as you would say, a pussy.
tamakimyas 0
Lol I'm a moronic twerp!!!
MissMae93 23
Uhm, I'm not scared of a cockroach nor do I scream like a baby due to a bug. She didn't marry a woman, just an easily frightened man.
tamakimyas 0
How about you shut the **** up and mind your own business
MissMae93 23
Woah, someone didn't take their happy pill today. How about your stop being a sexist pig?
MissMae93 23
Well if you say so. I'm sure not many people on this site will oppose you.
linkinpark98 24
Bwahaha!! I couldn't stop laughing when I read this. That's some man you got there. But, I can't blame him. Those roaches are scary little *******!
marramrammar 2
We know who wears the pants in the home!!
jcp012000 5
thats embarassing. he is not a man and how can you respect him after that?
flutter4 7
Everyone has a weakness
sportsfan20 3
Men don't show weakness
chisty87 16
Lmfao this is the funniest shit I've heard the whole day