Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
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Top comments
BillyMadisonFTW 5
Did it scare the shit out of him?
Drigr 9
I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... ****...?
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Comments (209)
perdix 31
If his pants are around his ankles, he's not naked . . . he's merely almost naked. I'm sure most people will say he was naked enough for all practical purposes, butt when you get down to comment 100+, there's not much new to say.
MDashwood 4
Boys are suppose to kill the bug...he obviously didn't learn this! Lol
Llama_Face89 34
Your husband is a giant pussy...
perdix 31
It's funny how "pussy" is a symbol of weakness, yet "balls" are a symbol of courage. A pussy can stretch to many times it's original size to pass a baby through it, yet a slight shot to the balls can make a man vomit and incapacitate him. It's odd how the reality of the organs is opposite to their images.
MissMae93 23
In the wise words of Betty White: "Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a ******. Those things take a pounding."
angeluv_2014 22
roaches can be very deadly :'l
xNephilim 19
My boyfriend is terrified of them too. Understandable, because I freak out seriously bad when I see one. Bugs, roaches, anything like that are disgusting.
loyeah 10
wow how did he manage to jump into the bathtub in a state of fright without tripping over his own pants.
s0ulslack 20
From the sound of this "man" I'm surprised you weren't wiping his ass too :(
evhrocks876 4
That's hilarious
kitty292 9
Considering I'm dealing with one being in my house hidden right now, I sympathize with your husband. I hate cockroaches and I wish they would all die. Harsh, but there it is. I'm terrified of them.
dancinwookie 21
There's no chance that there is just one...there's never just one.
botanistjessica 24
60 - neither spiders or cockroaches are insects, actually. But that being said, I can't stand bugs either.