Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
BillyMadisonFTW 5
Did it scare the shit out of him?
Drigr 9
I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... ****...?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (209)
benimin 6
That's hilarious
flutter4 7
I know! I laughed for like five minutes :)
Clamcreepy 7
He's man card has been revoked. I'm sorry OP that it has to be like this for your husband.
kakarot2 11
His*
theslimshadylp 6
He sounds masculine
KiddNYC1O 22
Waterbugs are no joke, assuming it was one.
MissMae93 23
The FML states it was a cockroach though...
KiddNYC1O 22
That's generic. I'm talking about waterbug cockroaches.
KiddNYC1O 22
Aren't they the same? At least I grew up thinking they are.
MissMae93 23
Technically, no. A "waterbug" is an aquatic insect classified under the order "Hemiptera". Cockroaches like hot, dry places. Fact of the day :)
KiddNYC1O 22
No, no. Again, I'm talking about a waterbug cockroach. Big ones!
MissMae93 23
Oh I see! As in the species of cockroach. I get what you're saying now and you're right on that one, those are nasty, BIG buggers!
KiddNYC1O 22
Haha! Thank youuuu. I had to flush one down the toilet the other day...
SephoraGypsy 15
Along time ago, in a comment thread far, far away...
_PurpleTortugas_ 2
I've always called the big huge ones that usually come out in the summer, sewer cockroaches...hahaha (:
whosindahouse 9
It...was...a...cockroach...
mzmush 2
They can make a movie out of this story, titled "the day I lost my manhood"
Cartera 10
No they can't
unknown_user5566 27
Sure "they" could. They could film it in that one place, with those actors, and some props. Sounds ******* brilliant to me. ;)
Hockeyboy4280 18
106- Sounds like "Phonebooth" to me.
mperniciaro 15
Anyone ever heard f the word 'phobia' it's an irrational fear of something. He probably couldnt help it.
thiscrazything 1
Doesn't make him any less of a wuss.
baseballguy06 0
you should of wiped for him.
aleeshttylXD 9
all of ur comments get thumbed down..
baseballguy06 0
...?this is the only one. hop offf
210tex 1
Some men are scared of them I smash them and tell someone to pick it up
CastielJ 6
Worst beginning to a porno.
KiddNYC1O 22
I don't want insects in my porno.
SephoraGypsy 15
Coprophilia + Formicophilia = it's the staple scenario for any German film.
outoftown 27
Like they say, everything is bigger in Texas: cockroaches/waterbugs, frightened men, strong women.