Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend told me the sauce he made for our dinner that was meat-based, trying to show me how nice meat is and stop me being a weirdo vegan. The reason I’m vegan is because my digestive system can’t handle animal protein. I’m writing this from the bathroom, vomiting myself to death. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML
Today, I told my husband we should try go vegan for a while to see if there were any health benefits. He threw me over his shoulder and put me outside, because, “crazy plant ladies live outside with the other vegetables.” FML
Today, after weeks of me "forgetting" to buy meat and animal products, my husband asked to talk. I was hoping he was getting the hints that I wanted us to go vegan. He wanted me to get checked for early-onset dementia. FML
Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML
Today, I fed my husband a vegan beef burger so I could show him that it tastes exactly the same when he didn’t notice. He noticed on the first bite and spat it across the kitchen because he thought the meat had expired before I cooked it, and tasted disgusting. FML
Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML
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Top comments
mega00ant 0
Bacon...who would give up bacon?!? I
Goatinsfriend 8
She made you go on the diet as well? I wouldn't go through with a vegan diet.
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Comments (86)
Sandsh8rk 36
Don't worry, another guy on here had an intense dream about bacon. You can go relate :P
gonad_gobbler 1
I could never be a vegan, in fact I think heaven is filled with fried chicken and naked women, I plan to have a breast in one hand and a leg in the other.
Enslaved 38
My sister's vegan. I don't know how she does it? I guess over time, your body just gets use to it. Wow, I kinda want fried chicken for breakfast all in a sudden!
williamcarter93 13
Why did you let your wife tell you what to eat in the first place? I mean, she can suggest, but can she actually impose it on you?
perdix 31
Keep ******' that chicken!
A7x4REVer 3
I could not become a vegetarian to save my life... There's a gun and a celery stick.....bang
schmelia 10
A vegetarian diet is a fuckload more interesting (and healthy) than just eating celery. You need to be more adventurous.
MissHayleyJames 7
Except that most vegetables taste like ass and nothing will replace meat.
perdix 31
I can see vegetarian, but not vegan -- I can't live without my dairy products! Of course, I live in America's Dairyland where even trying to do that is treasonous!
TheDrifter 24
I'm from Alberta, we push organic beef (better profit margin) and diesel fuel. Bicycle riding vegans are practically social pariahs here, except in the indoctrination camps, I mean universities.
perdix 31
And we are brothers through the Mighty Cheeseburger!
phresh_men17 3
What was the chicken doing?
159_fml 17
I would never survive
schmelia 10
Have you heard of embodied energy? It takes faaaaar more plant matter to feed a cow than it does to feed me. We're basically cutting out the middle men. *Prepares for thumbs down for taking a joke too seriously*