Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML
Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, a woman accused my husband of being a pedophile because he was at the playground with our daughter alone. To make matters worse, our daughter punched the woman in the face, so now she's pressing charges. FML
Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago, my four year-old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML
Today, as I was taking my three year-old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
fleamo_fml 0
And you're POSITIVE she meant 'puter?
aerials_fml 0
Ah, that's pretty funny. Pretty awkward too. FYL.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (149)
aerials_fml 0
Ah, that's pretty funny. Pretty awkward too. FYL.
iCJ86 0
wow that sucks the only thing that u can really do is move far away from where u live now
YacL 15
Damn, that sucks, eh? Even if you clear that up, they'll probably still be suspicious. FYL indeed.
HelloSeattle 0
Ah god, that seriously sucks. My dad actually was a child molester, and I know how messy it got with the cops and schools.
Liamj774 36
How the hell is your comment thumbed down? That's horrible :/
fleamo_fml 0
And you're POSITIVE she meant 'puter?
happy_animal_lov 0
yeah, that's what I was thinking...
5bye7 0
well maybe your husband should pick on someone his own size
Johnnnny 4
That is probably one of the funniest FML's I've read in a while. @ #2: wow :-|
Seti_fml 0
That sucks. I hope that gets set straight fairly quickly and doesn't get blown out of proportion.
dirtyhippie 0
That's pretty bad, hopefully they will be understanding when you explain it to them.
Perfection_7 0
OH WOW!!!!!! I may have just got on here, BUT THIS IS THE FUNNIEST ONE IVE EVER READ! Mad props for actually making me laugh with you, not just at how stupid you are.
24788 7
Schools get way to involved in home situations. I really hated that about high school. That's a decent reason, but they jumped to the conclusion way to quick. It can really ruin someones reputation.
happy_animal_lov 0
and yet, it's better than letting abuse keep happening
AngelSpit 18
agreed when I was 14 living in california with my mother I was going to Elementary School that went from kindergarten through 8th grade, I was in 8th Grade. One time I snuck out at night to go hang out with my friends I didn't come home until about 3 o'clock in the morning only to find my mother sitting there waiting for me. now my mother had to go to work at 6 o'clock in the morning and had been sitting there worrying her ass off for hours and was very very pissed off at me. the morning was very awkward getting ready for school and work between us, I'm going down the very narrow hallway, I bumped into her shoulder my moms tired exhausted pissed off she turns and grab me by my throat and pushes me up against the wall. the second she did it she let go, was it a bit harsh, yes; did I deserve it, definitely yes. I go to school with a bruise on my neck and my science teacher grills me about needing to tell her what happened. begrudgingly I broke down and explained the entire event to her including my transgression and that I felt my mother did no wrong. Stupid bitch still called child protective services....
AngelSpit 18
oh and I call her a stupid bitch because this dumbass was a science teacher who told her class she didn't believe in global warming and that it wouldn't raise ocean levels because and I quote (brace yourselves) "if you put an ice cube in a glass of water and it melts the water level doesn't rise therefore global warming will have no effect" before you hop on this batshit crazy bandwagon remember that the Antarctica is not a giant floating iceberg it's a land mass with lots of ice on TOP of it FMEducation....
survivalism 0
And that's why we teach our children to speak.