Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML
Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML
Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML
Today, I thought it would be cute to put on a Santa hat and ask my crush what he wanted for Christmas. He said "A girlfriend." I took off my Santa hat and yelled "Ta-da!" He added, "An ATTRACTIVE girlfriend." FML
Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML
Today, my daughter ran up to an old man with a white beard and a red sweater because she thought he might be Santa. He was a homeless dude, drunk at 9 in the morning. He told her to either give him money or f**k off, then screamed at her that "Santa’s not real, grow up r*tard." She’s still crying FML
Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
eminemop 0
Whisper back: "and I wanted a boy, but that didn't happen either."
doonerz 0
is she getting one?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (254)
Justforlolz 14
I dunno, you probably should poke some airholes into the bag if you want him to survive a trip around the world. Otherwise it might get messy.
Savra_fml 17
What? I have no idea as to what you want to say.
criminalmindsfan 0
He means if you want the new dad to survive dumbass
Philliesfan9391 3
What's with the airholes in the bag part then?
MrsLaferriere 0
So that the new dad can breathe.
Philliesfan9391 3
In what? The guy is in a santa costume. If he put some random guy in a bag he would be arrested for kidnapping or something...
MrsLaferriere 0
Santa brings wrapped presents. Some presents are placed into decorative bags instead of wrapped in paper. The daughter asked for a new dad. The original commenter stated that air holes should be placed in the bag. Things that are alive and given as presents need to have air holes in the packaging to allow them to breathe. This signifies that Santa is bringing her new father in a bag for Christmas. Was that spelled out enough for you?
Justforlolz 14
Ok, because some people can't seem to understand my comment, I'll explain. Assuming that OP is really Santa(joke), If he were to put the "new dad" in his sack-o-toys, there would be a lack of space and oxygen, so the dad would suffocate. After a merry ride around the world, the "new dad" would probably be dead. Holy ****, it's not that hard to understand. Is it hard to think a little?
farhil 14
I think he was talking about the bag that Santa carries his gifts in. Let's all just agree that it was a lame joke and move along.
perdix 31
Everyone knows that a new dad doesn't come in a bag -- he comes in a box. Mommy's, that is ;)
memob123 0
I would have never guessed
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Wow, where are everyone's brains today? It's one thing to think the joke is lame, it's another thing to be unable to understand it when it's so obvious. 49 Completely missed the point of making a JOKE.
criminalmindsfan 0
Can't argue with retards though, it's like to talking to a bran muffin and expecting it to say something intelligent back.
screamo_neve 12
Well I'm sticking with bubble wrap.
Philliesfan9391 3
74- You don't need to be such an asshole.
FarSide 23
Holy ****. Is it so difficult for you to string a comprehensive sentence together??
criminalmindsfan 0
79- do I care? No
mrosew442 10
74- it would be amazing if a bran muffin said ANYTHING back!
alival 12
-83 what's your deal? You r being bitter and insulting and just flat out rude! And do u think people with mental disabilities can help that they're like that? U r a jerk
ladysman95 2
Canada sucks!!!!! USA!!!!!!!!!!
tripleht1 3
True that
KiddNYC1O 22
That's rather depressing... Sorry.
UrCapsLockOn 12
well, will u be able to make this possible, SANTA ....
rainbowbigbird 7
That broke my heart for you. I have a little girl, too. I am sorry OP.
afulks78 11
Love your pic :) haha
flatfatmat 3
Ghjh
heyhihello95 12
Well that's what you get for deceiving your own kid...
KiddNYC1O 22
It's called keeping the spirit of Christmas alive.
1bluesky1 6
At least she was quiet about it. You taught her manners.(;
rallets 23
kids say the darndest things
brwneyes22 0
That is so very sad maybe you should talk to her about it?
xcarxcrashx 9
I agree. Obvs there is some sort of problem. I think op is actually lucky. He gets to find out early on (I am assuming she's pretty young if she believes in Santa) that there is a problem to fix before she becomes a teenager and is totally out of control.
stevenmx86 8
Aw that is awful op. Maybe this is a chance to change?
sheethapins 13
Tell her: "Good, so I don't have to buy you presents this year after all?"