Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML
Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML
Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML
Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML
Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML
Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML
Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML
Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML
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Top comments
lashes_to_ashes 14
Your wife is awesome.
DocBastard 40
No no, iPeterPan is right. You should always divorce your wife at the first sign of 1) anything wrong, 2) her being funnier than you, and 3) her being smarter than you. That's why I'm on wife #14.
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Comments (110)
roopstetter 7
That is hilarious! My husband likes to write profanities on my back window. Once, I drove around for an entire week with "I love your c*ck" I don't know how I never noticed.
graceinsheepwear 34
I want to know if he wrote c*ck or **** on your window.
outoftown 27
Wow, de-escalation time. Volunteer to shave, as long as she pays to have the van repainted and for a rental until it's done. If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy.
abeg157 14
Maybe now you can start a YT prank channel called HusbandvsWife along with daily vlogs!
strapper88 6
My former best friend is in Gaol for being a pedophile, his first court date he turned up and had shaven his beard off into a pedo stache.
rfid_fml 13
Did she at least get you the clown, and/or Pedobear costume to go with your new paint job?
rfid_fml 13
Is he a hipster? If so, just wait until it's not cool anymore.
buttcramp 21
you should shave it if your wife thinks it's THAT unattractive! also, veeeery wrong of her to put that on your vehicle!
jadevv 12
It was a joke.
splitintwo 6
Haha I hope she used one of those car markers. Seriously though there's a reason she hates it, and you probably do look foolish and unprofessional with such a mustache, take her advice.
Thatguy334 7
May I recommend she become an ex-wife?
maddienoelle 13
wtf she's my hero