Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML
Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML
Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML
Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML
Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML
Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML
Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML
Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML
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Top comments
lashes_to_ashes 14
Your wife is awesome.
DocBastard 40
No no, iPeterPan is right. You should always divorce your wife at the first sign of 1) anything wrong, 2) her being funnier than you, and 3) her being smarter than you. That's why I'm on wife #14.
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Comments (110)
iPeterPan 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I hope you ditch the bitch. That's a terrible (if hilarious) thing to do to you!
pokefan813 16
That's a bit harsh, don't you think?
bingbongbingbong 11
No!
subwaysurfers 13
I'd rather ditch the moustache than the humourous wife I'm supposed to be in love with. But I'm a girl so I'd ditch the moustache either way.
DocBastard 40
No no, iPeterPan is right. You should always divorce your wife at the first sign of 1) anything wrong, 2) her being funnier than you, and 3) her being smarter than you. That's why I'm on wife #14.
DustyStorm 16
See? Drs always know best!
OneGirlTwoCups 13
That's one way to get a cop friend, OP.
TheDrifter 24
Yeah, no need to dump her, the prank war is on. Your next move should be to spray paint the contents of her closet with a witticism of your choice.
TheCanucklehead 22
Hey doc, I mustache you a question. What if he rides in the truck and starts offering candy...do we blame the wife?
r_bruce69 19
Yes it was quite a few steps too far, but, if women should shave their legs, men should shave their faces if asked by their wives. That's fair. But this woman is a crazy bitch
FaygoAndMiracles 18
OP and their wife might need to work things out if she gets so annoyed with him choosing to look the way he wants that she resorts to vandalism, but, I don't think that that means they need to divorce.
FaygoAndMiracles 18
@82: And who is saying that OP is trying to force their wife to shave her legs? There is nothing wrong with a woman not shaving their legs, and there is no proof here that her husband is trying to be sexist and say she needs to.
30361 10
There's a huge difference between sexist and decency, a woman not shaving her legs is freakin dank
generalasskicker 12
He shouldn't divorce her( I know you where being sarcastic) but she shouldn't be a bitch what if he likes the mustache. I mean shouldn't his wife accept a simple mustache I mean if she is the kind of women that paints cars over facial hair he is already overlooking a lot.
football98_fml 20
so she wants you to get arrested for not shaving your mustache?? you better get rid of the paint before someone calls the cops on you
NoFlippinWai 24
uh. what? why would they arrest him? I mean besides the children locked in the cages in the back?
Melix 31
Dude he said get rid of the PAINT!! He said that OP should get rid of the paint on the van that says "Free Candy"
lashes_to_ashes 14
Your wife is awesome.
NoFlippinWai 24
take a picture of you standing next to it. it will be a story for the grandkids. My grandmother has a kettle that doesnt sit flat on the stove because my grandfather's head dented it. When she hit him with it. 25 years ago. Still curses him and his hard head everytime she uses it. I hope to inherit it one day as a fond childhood meme. Grandma standing at the stove cursing Grandpa's head.
djxerxes9000 18
Hope it's a washable paint otherwise, what a c@#! of a move.
Pwn17 25
I like how you left in the first letter. I don't understand the point of censoring on a site where nearly everyone (including the FML posters) swears. It's pretty obvious what your word was so why even bother?
Pwn17 25
Also, did you really need to share that little tidbit of information on your profile?
NoFlippinWai 24
that just made me look at hos profile. I would have rather not know.
mr_sarcastic416 29
#30 & #37 now you've both given me the urge to check out the profile.... I'm gonna see how long I can hold off
nite66 21
I had to look after #30's comment. No willpower :(
ottokat 15
I looked. Apparently, he's a sinner!
lysx84 24
If you don't want your wife I'll have her. Excellent sense of humour!
CallMeWindSock 24
Exactly. OP has no reason to complain, especially with a pedo moustache.
naznafeathers 22
Now OP should paint "free hugs" on the side of his wife. Reference to an old FML, in which someone got arrested for holding a sign saying "free hugs"
gntfmlingnow 12
While she does have a good sense of humor, I feel like most people here aren't really considering this much. Repainting a vehicle is a somewhat long, and really boring process, and that's if OP actually knows how to do it. And you can't just "paint over" it because it wouldn't match up properly and would look terrible. So, if OP doesn't want to drive around looking like a total pedophile, he's probably going to have to shell out a bunch of cash to get it repainted, all for the sake of him not shaving one day. TL;DR: That was one expensive joke
mr_sarcastic416 29
#47 you can get arrested for sign like that?? damn, I wanted to get a t-shirt with it
g0dless 15
As much as I'd hate to be in your position that's bloody hilarious your wife has a great, yet cruel sense of humor!
naznafeathers 22
Hopefully they have another car that OP can drive until they remove the paint. But yes, it's quite funny. I might do the same thing to my bf if him and I get married. Whenever his mustache gets too long, it gets in my nose whenever we kiss and its just plain annoying :c
SuperPizzaMan_fml 11
Everything will be okay as long as you have sour patch kids.
birdfreak 24
Creative.
keepingitnasty 15
Wait, you have a mustache and drive a van? Kinda seems like you're asking for it. Do you have a sweet mullet too?
ozpunker 20
Best wife ever!
TheDrifter 24
If she used marker, sure. But vandalizing his vehicle in a way that will cost hundreds of dollars to fix, just because he didn't immediately comply with her wishes? Maybe I'm the only person left who considers that unacceptably ignorant of her.