Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML
Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML
Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML
Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML
Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML
Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML
Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML
Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML
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Top comments
lashes_to_ashes 14
Your wife is awesome.
DocBastard 40
No no, iPeterPan is right. You should always divorce your wife at the first sign of 1) anything wrong, 2) her being funnier than you, and 3) her being smarter than you. That's why I'm on wife #14.
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Comments (110)
crisanba 18
Pedo alert!!! Just kidding op I'd get back at her with a naked pic of her for her profile pic that's even Steven in my book
cuppycakeslove 20
What the ****? Not only is that immature but it's also stupid. She just has a sense of humor and was doing it as a joke.
NoFlippinWai 24
As far as Even something like driving her car to work and a washable-marker matching pedostache while she is sleepimg would sufice.
mr_sarcastic416 29
unrelated to the FML (I guess not totally, depending on how you look at it) but if you wanna see some really good back and forth pranking, go to youtube and search for the user "prankvsprank" (it's a male and female couple from Philly) Their pranks are hilarious & it's so surprising that they're still together and haven't killed each other yet lol (now THAT'S love lol) maybe op and his wife can take some pointers and become the next great prankvsprank couple (upload to YouTube for all of us to see if you do!)
subwaysurfers 13
Poor woman, she feels pricks whenever she kisses you. Unless you have a very soft moustache. Like cotton candy....
subwaysurfers 13
Uh-oh, I meant prickles*
NoFlippinWai 24
there you go. thats multitasking if I ever heard it. A PEDOSTACHE MADE OF COTTON CANDY. win.
sisco2901 20
Well, what do you use that van for, anyway?
DeeLaShee 13
Lol happy wife, happy life.you should always listen to the wife
shutupmichaela 18
Bitches be crazy
mr_sarcastic416 29
#21 *Peter Griffin voice* Shut up Michaela
Wakachulak 22
You'll definitely not get that teacher's job now
LindsayxMoore 18
Thats funny but a bit far.
buddy51 23
So, OP, sounds like your wife's accepted your "pedo" lifestyle. Next, she'll add a sound machine playing "It's a Small World After All" repeatedly so you can cruise neighborhoods and bring the kiddies running to the candy van!! Seriously, YDI for being overly attached to your pedophiliac hairy lip!
agzz21 6
OP's wife referred to it as a pedo stache, but it doesn't mean that it was. Could have been a normal mustache for all we know.
someguy314159265 15
YOU! You made that accursed song play in my head again! How could you!!!??
cottoncandymango 17
Your wife is an A+ for having an awesome sense of humor!
rhysfucker 24
Paint seems a bit excessive; does she have a history of overreacting when she finds children's underwear in the van?