Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML
Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to "Listen to this voicemail." I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty, followed by the bed springs bouncing for three minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML
Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML
Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who is vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML
Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML
Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML
Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML
Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML
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Top comments
cawoods 1
It's like a phone threesome!
Bekll 31
I love when strangers leave lengthy voicemails by accident. Never had one of sex in the background but one did involve a wife yelling at her husband. And OP, 2 years is nothing. I've been without for five years now.
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Comments (115)
Khariau 8
Desperate
Elegance 7
That's an invitation. They called because they want you. Take that logic and you will not only never be lonely again, you'll also be a huge douche! Good luck with future endeavors of douchery, op.
NickKuiper 8
Cheer up! I'm still a virgin, so I haven't had it in, like 16 years!
Welshite 40
#19: You have a one year old child at age 14. I respect NickKuiper for waiting, and not rushing to have sex.
Trisha_aus 15
Wow someone is mature...at 14 I didn't really understand the "love" concept. Sounds like a real life Romeo n Juliet here..
Welshite 40
#26: Sarcasm is not an umbrella term. Your original comment didn't have a trace of a sarcastic remark in it. I've seen similar rebuttals several times now in the comments by different people and it just makes me shake my head in frustration.
Gregory607 1
26- did you really just confuse the words opinions and options?
expertsmilee 26
Guys, 26 is a black man and his son actually knows who he is...y'all should be applauding him.
happylawyer 16
You are 16! You are supposed to be studying, not having sex. There is time for sex, and it is not now. Staying a virgin while still in school will help avoid lot of trouble in life. Be proud of it.
XxQueenofPuppets 10
Cheer up, I'm a 21 year old virgin =/
olpally 33
26- your grammar is really terrible... So, you're from North Carolina? First in flight, and it looks like 48th in education seems about right by looking at your profile. Yikes.
gc327072 31
"My momma always said, stupid is as stupid does." ~Forrest Gump
BatemanFML 0
I wonder when this couple will realize that at the mere age of 31 their child will be graduating from high school.
FirebirdF350 7
I wonder when yall will notice she said she loves her fiancé, her child, and her girlfriend. You are so very intelligent and mature in your 'options' there number 14, perhaps regale us with your vast experiences with love? Oh wait, your 14, and of course as confused and immature as all teenagers are, if not more so. Engaged, a child, and a girlfriend on the side, how on this earth did your parents let this slide?
FirebirdF350 7
And weapons and martial arts expert #14? And you don't care what peploe think? I congratulate you on not caring what a nonexistant thing thinks and having a mastery over a video game weapon set... Good job. Faith in gene pool;-5.5x10 to the 96th power.
skyeyez9 25
Imo being engaged at age 14 would be a nightmare!
esines 9
Your fiancé looks like her family tree never grew past the stump stage #19.. And seriously knocked a girl up at thirteen? What a ******* winner
andiewithlove 21
69 (giggles childishly) - If you'll notice, "she" is a he.
youjustmademelol 4
At 14 I played with a gameboy, you don't need lovin whn you can 'cath em all'
FirebirdF350 7
79, I said she because if you notice, the guy spelt fiancée which is the woman, as fiancé, which is the man, and rather than,refer to his 'fiancé' as that, he refers to her as a girlfriend. It's meant to be comedic
supportcommand 17
67- I don't think they are going to have to worry about graduating anything with parents like that. 14, with child, and can't even spell the name of the city they live in. Might graduate to a Tuesday evening stripper from a Tuesday afternoon stripper if lucky.
fireysaje 10
Your stupidity is utterly astounding
dirton89 7
If you listened to it that much....9 out of 10 chance you fapped to it. Don't be ashamed...none of us will tell ;)
dallas_world 6
It's Hunter Moore calling aha.
jep00 8
Lucky!!!!
anencephalic 14
This feels like it could probably make for a scenario in some weird hentai film. In fact, this may be your chance to earn some money. Add tentacles for effect.
HelligKeit 5
Take it as a deliberate call-to-action that you need to get back into the world and find someone special.
xalba 9
What are you going to do when your phone deletes all your saved messages after a certain period of time? :o. Noooooooooo!
rockerlove2013 6
Get a life dude