Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML
Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to "Listen to this voicemail." I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty, followed by the bed springs bouncing for three minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML
Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML
Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who is vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML
Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML
Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML
Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML
Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML
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Top comments
cawoods 1
It's like a phone threesome!
Bekll 31
I love when strangers leave lengthy voicemails by accident. Never had one of sex in the background but one did involve a wife yelling at her husband. And OP, 2 years is nothing. I've been without for five years now.
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Comments (115)
cawoods 1
It's like a phone threesome!
notyobitch 0
Well the best kind of sex is when the other person doesn't know about it.... Hahaha jk
laden_swallow09 35
That's called rape, 18.
deBlobX 12
Giggity
jodiitiger 13
Phone rape has such a ring
livamour 17
I would think rape victims do know about it actually...
MDTeddy 13
That sounds like the hottest voicemail you will ever get. I'd save it forever.
JustDerpin 11
Whatever you do OP, don't have sex. You'll get pregnant and die.
Len_Kagamine 8
87- OP is a guy..
cawoods 1
Why do the numbers skip???? WHYYY!?!?!?!
theten_fml 9
98 because other people reply to other comments
fireysaje 10
That's what rufies are for my friend.
angel1624 13
ya
Meme1988 18
Thats just weird,, i can say go out have fun, but i think you should do what ever that works to help you self esteem and then go out have fun
5n000w 4
I have no idea what you just said...
xxGheTToGumbYxx 16
I think what 2 is suggesting is that OP may have confidence or self esteem issues. So 2 said OP should go out, have fun, and get laid.Though maybe OP should work on their own self esteem issue first if that's why it's been so long since OP was sexually active.
oceanbeauty 17
KCCO!
xxGheTToGumbYxx 16
KCCO! :D
Saryrr 3
Whatever it takes. At least you now have some entertainment.
starsfan_9 7
One of those "when life gives you lemons" moments I suppose
siickman 7
"you make grape juice". Thats how it went right? ... :x
Bekll 31
I love when strangers leave lengthy voicemails by accident. Never had one of sex in the background but one did involve a wife yelling at her husband. And OP, 2 years is nothing. I've been without for five years now.
jetsown08 21
5 years? I sense the fap is strong in this one.
Boygenius50 8
I once received a series of texts demanding that I give custody of Dalton back to his mother or she will sue me. Apparently I had a child named Dalton and I never even realized it...
gc327072 31
4- may the fap be with you!
slooby_fml 25
bazinga
AssassinsCRB 0
I think this was the wrong place...
teddybby 5
Something is better than nothing, right?
onlychildFTW 34
Time to grab the lotion and get in bed. Turn the volume up on your phone and go to work. Haha.
dogpfcorn 11
I'm pretty sure Lindsay loHAND would say you have not gone 2 years with out help ;)
PeteyPablo12308 20
Lindsay LoHAND wouldn't be out of rehab long enough to say anything of the sort...
expertsmilee 26
It's Palmela Handerson guys
raaawwwrrZ 8
I prefer Hand Solo myself
lolmigosh 15
oh wow
fireysaje 10
Negative vote for the picture of Nikki Minaj. And the sad comment
heidiT 4
Fair enough.
Lufferkinz 0
Imagine it was your parents or something like that.
PegaDolphin 7
Why would you imagine that? That's just sick.
sirpantselot 22
Why would he not have his parents numbers in his phone?
supportcommand 17
Blue waffles. That's a funny picture.
supportcommand 17
^ why all the thumbs down? Does nobody know about blue waffles? That picture is golden!