Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML
Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML
Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML
Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary was closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now every time I pee, it not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom. FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML
Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML
Today, I'm in hospital. During date night, after sex was over, I reached for my whiskey. I was already so drunk, I accidentally picked up the lit candle which was in a glass roughly the same size as my whiskey glass, and poured melted wax in my mouth, up my nose, and in my eyes. FML
Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML
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Top comments
scrappy23 4
At least you have a germ free dick.
dijafe27 6
I thought you were gonna say you contracted herpes . So LUCKY you ! ^.^
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Comments (118)
scrappy23 4
At least you have a germ free dick.
ICastillo 25
Or Herpes
FurryPride 9
At least you made sure that where you were going was clean.
Trisha_aus 15
So..Canadians are clean people
RadikulRam 16
Could be a women. If it's sex/genitalia people assume it's a male, if it's relationship/child people assume it's female.
Inheritance 10
Hand sanitizer in the penis hole.. *shutter*
ExplodingToaster 6
36- *Shudder
thgiL 9
Only takes .01% of germs to get you sick
Inheritance 10
37 thank you didn't realize my mistake my apologizes.
samsaf1989 5
*Apologies. you're welcome,
Inheritance 10
I blame that one on autocorrect.. Haha
SenselessPattern 12
36 - Even when talking about women, it's still "penis hole", not whatever a '******' is.
Inheritance 10
50 ****** hole o.0
flipfloperson 5
50- It is entirely possible that he was referring to the external urethral orifice, not a ******.
innavoiG 9
Think about how the girl feels..
doctorhook86 25
Gotta say, this would probably unpleasant on a dick, but it's gotta be hell for the person who got hand sanitizer in their vagoo or butt.
oj101 33
AIDS is a virus, not a germ....
Futacy 30
Hand sanitizer? wow, that must've really made her scream. LOL
Futacy 30
73- all single celled pathogens are considered 'germs'... including viruses.
ohSNAPyall 27
30 I assumed OP is a woman.
punkrockess 7
At least it wasn't penis to mouth...
Llamacod 11
# 30, I'm pretty damn sure that it couldn't possibly be "a women"
loverboy666 6
Agreed lol
MagicGiraffe 12
78, not to be too nerdy but technically viruses are not cells, neither are they living. They are not bacteria but the term "germ" is used loosely, but I wouldn't use it with STD at all...
manicethemage 9
I wonder if OP is a gay male, the gay scene is pretty big in Ontario.
IKIWIatFIFi 3
Lol seeing the bright side of things...
ohrlly7457 7
I like how the op's name is mind blowing.
tehhboss 6
Wtf
silvercamaro 22
That's great man
BellaBelle_fml 23
ohrlly?
slimshadyfan123 4
Why?
zythek 5
Well maybe if you make it " mind blowing?" it might make a little more since why you like his name.
dijafe27 6
I thought you were gonna say you contracted herpes . So LUCKY you ! ^.^
gc327072 31
Pretty sure that's impossible anyway, sanitizer and all.
SouthernPride95 19
Getting herpies isn't impossible though
vintage3113 6
Are you for real 16 lol
gc327072 31
Lol no, I'm joking.
KingDingALing 9
"herpies" lololol
ICastillo 25
It's good to practice Safe sex..killing germs and what not.
flutter4 7
I bet she is burning too
cosmosis 12
Should have used the nutella;)
AKGirlinSD 20
As a lady, I don't even want to know how badly that would feel going inside of my vajayjay. And I feel equally bad for dude. But I've always wondered what the .1% of germs aren't covered. Maybe we will finally learn what that are!
Revan501 15
Hey at least you had some protection.
winnerme123 8
For all you know it could be a form of spermicide.
ICastillo 25
Ya the burning sensation means it working OP.
Sandsh8rk 36
The last time someone on FML used sanitizer as lube, they had to wear an adult diaper for a week...
knights13z 21
I wonder how the girl felt.... Haha
anythingmustbe 18
Well at least it is clean, your privates are now 99.9% bacteria free.
rsunshine2020 13
But not totally baby free.. Check back in 9 months
Enslaved 38
Don't be surprised if the baby turns out to be a bleach blonde.
lolfood 24
Alcohol up the ass sounds very painful :o.
kissandcontrol01 20
Alcohol in the ****** sounds awful too!
perdix 31
At least you won't get any bacterial infections. Viruses and pregnancy are still possible, perhaps even likely.
zack11742 7
I feel like it would hurt her more than you
saksxalmo 20
OP could be a girl... (And don't say you meant OP could be a lesbian, because I don't think that's what you meant. :P )
BellaBelle_fml 23
saksxalmo; You're right, no one knows OP's gender. It wasn't specified. So that leaves us little choice but to speculate their gender. Some people may say the OP is a girl, and others may say the OP is a guy. But no one knows for sure. I'm wondering if zack11742 had said, "I feel like it would hurt HIM more than you." would you still have made your comment?
Drigr 9
the thing is, for this FML, most seem to assume op is a male
saksxalmo 20
#35, yes. Is that a trick question? I think the comment would have been better if s/he had said "I just hope OP's not a girl" or something along those lines. That way you account for both if you choose to speculate. :) But I'm a bit pedantic, so I'm not surprised that others don't care that much. XD
zack11742 7
Haha you're right I assumed op was a guy silly me
traveler_ghost 12
I just feel bad for the girl. At least you two were still "protected"