Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML
Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML
Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML
Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML
Today, I had a seizure and went to the hospital. Turns out, when you put in a tampon, forget, then get horny, your dildo can push the tampon all the way up to your cervix, where it will fester until you become septic. I'm now on antibiotics and horribly ill, but at least I know why I've been so tired recently. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I had to call poison control on one of my students, because they decided to drink a half a bottle of hand sanitizer. FML
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Top comments
beeship321 5
wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?
deputy_g 5
only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use
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Comments (283)
beeship321 5
wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?
largefoofighter 0
least your dicks clean.... not from the hand sanitizer but all the sex you're not having!! dumbass
marinus_fml 20
lol #9, nice one.
sterlingarcher 1
hahahaha ydi!!
Awesomastic 0
hand sanitizer has more alchohol than most drinks so its safer to just dip it in your beer next time.
Scalabrine44 0
hehe good one ;)
Somedood117 0
I'm dying to know which hand sanitizer so I know for future reference ;)
jakedasnakeman 0
rofl
Awesomastic 0
65, substitute beer with vodka
kruzito 0
62, that's poisonous alcohol
MiGman 5
#62 it's a slightly different type of alchohol
fHISl 0
it's a fake... saw that in american pie..
TheVariableX 0
Was it purell? that stuff burns like a sonuvabitch.
iateyourmuffin 0
ya just a tad :P
PedoPancakes 7
Well said #1
jbuckets_404 39
LOL! Did you too have to wear a diaper for a week? ;-)
KZN02 18
I'd rather not know the reasons ...
JtownDude 0
chuck Norris masterbates with lava
loski87 4
^ lol
Naomiiiii 0
Chuck Norris doesn't **********, he gets off by roundhouse kicking Siberian tigers in the face.
docscientist 10
Chuck Norris doesn't **********, he ***** the universe.
maa_rico 4
Sorry but Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norry's ass.
maa_rico 4
Norris' * lol
bawpo 2
Perhaps in a movie Snookie. Not in real life.
rmbaker1993 0
haha omg she does look like snooki!!!
crissy1234 0
it is snooki!!!
MadPercussion 0
**** JERSEY SHORE. THAT SHIT IS PURE TRASH AND I AM VIRTUAL YELLING TO FURTHER EMPHASIZE IT'S MY FRUSTRATION.
devinmurnan 0
chuck Norris uses a blow torch and a monkey wrench to **********
grizzvolleyball9 4
win ^^^^
LTHoratioCaine 4
but i cant do that so this pic of you will do
eragon2262 6
Bruce Lee trained chuck Norris, and could beat chuck norris' ass until the day he died. that's a fact.
Link5794 18
But what if Chuck Norris actually trained Bruce Lee, and was such an amazing teacher that he created a foe even he couldn't defeat?
xoxoMEGANxoxo 13
haha
JtownDude 0
OMGWTFCARBBQ
xFuZioN 0
might as well jerk it with vodka ya yard. main ingredient alcohol
xFuZioN 0
tard* stupid auto correct
bananahannahjo 0
lol! I thought calling them a yard was funny :)
smump 0
.....
JtownDude 0
dotdotdotdotdot
brainsoverbeauty 21
This was the only time I clicked the "you totally deserved it" button while simultaneously saying out loud that the person totally deserves it.
wise1 1
op does deserve it. but am wondering that if only certain sanitizer causes that, which sanitizers has the op used in past without any problems?
deputy_g 5
only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use
JtownDude 0
Your grammar sucks.
ninjacapo 2
refering to bensyn? hahaha "unless u dont know where ur penis has been. in that case. purell it up"
deputy_g 5
51 I'm a nuclear engineer so stfu and yep a bensyn reference
jmmille 0
176, He could be a nuclear engineer at 19 in the military.
ginger467 2
he's 18 idiot. the fact that you cant count automatically makes your comments rubbish, Beaner.
jess6blondie9 3
What does you being a nuclear engineer have to do with anything??
insomniac8400 13
there's no such thing as a BA of science... it's called a BS a BA is a bachelor of the arts
flockingshpoo 0
what is anti flood protection
No_LoveMM 3
Satan wanting your soul.
JtownDude 0
winning duh!
DieselBT 0
Anti-flood protection is what the adult diaper's for, duh.
DoubleEdgedBlade 4
Something that the Japanese didn't have. I know, that was pretty bad.
nocarehere 0
^win. haha.
xoxoMEGANxoxo 13
lol #74 made me crack up....now I feel like a terrible person.
Aoifexzx 3
it always says anti flood protection to me when I post a comment for some reason ?
justalilrandom2 4
It is when you post too much, it stops you "flooding" the comments section with spam, racism or inane bull shit.
rebekahah 7
#74 I laughed so hard that I think I'm going to go to hell now.
cheetahbud159 7
... fantastc
Ronan_k 0
74 - Epic win Bro
scotty2hottie48 0
74 had a Charlie Sheen moment! lol
cheerislove 0
hahahahhahaha i laughed so hard at this comment.!(:
lotrgeek 10
Muahahahhahaha excellent!
symwashere 0
y would you use hand sanitizer to jack off??
tylerjs12 0
i know right
Tcaret300 12
if the Japanese do it, who gives two *****? Funny? IDK STOP STARING AT ME!!! D:
anorexicbarbie 8
What in the hell made you think, "this is a good idea"?
notquite69 0
Try bleach next time.
crissybear 8
ha ha ha GOOD ONE
Alicia17C 2
Hahahaha he probably will
benjimm1 0
michael Jackson did. too soon? to effing bad
laxguy96 6
anal bleaching!
badkittykills69 0
Seriously... Why??? Ydi
DarkHelmet 10
because they're a ******* moron!!!