Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML
Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has been using my moisturiser as lube when he wanks. It's $90 per bottle. FML
Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML
Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML
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Top comments
Freeze_fml 17
Clean sex is good sex.
toughchick14 15
Well at least you know that the sex was 99.9% clean!
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Comments (141)
Freeze_fml 17
Clean sex is good sex.
AssTard 15
1- It depends on how clean it is.
Wowxoxo 17
Atleast a sterile environment was created :)
CCSA 12
3- I agree. Applying hand sanitizer to his penis might not be that big of a problem, but for OP it definitely changed the inner environment of her ******, at least for a while, and it may not be a healthy change.
spazz666 18
Clean sex might be good sex but dirty sex is better.
HelloSirs 14
I roll around in piles of garbage before sex, as a way of claiming my territory with my partner. No man will go near her for weeks ;).
Tay_racer10 3
Why did she have hand sanitizer on her night stand?
happle 21
93-I personally always like keep my hand sanitizer, hand lotion, hand gloves, and other things handy on my nightstand.
maosquare 18
Because cleanliness is next to godliness.
nigsuzzi 3
99 omg so punny!
soph_volleyball 11
Yes ;)
greeneyebeauty9 28
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
don't have sex, because you will get pregnant, & die.
XxDevilxXGt 26
I was quite sure that if you don't have sex your penis will fall off from being backed up to hell.
Abbbiiieeeeeeeee 16
People obviously didn't get the Mean Girls reference :')
ALlamaOnFire 20
It's not my fault I have a heavy flow and a wide set ******! ;)
misspulkadot24 17
You go Glen Coco!
Devilpuppy0861 7
"Its to but Chlamydia is such a pretty name, I think I want to name my daughter Chlamydia." Don't worry girl, some of us got the awesome movie reference.
Devilpuppy0861 7
****, that auto correct doesn't even make sense. Sorry guys...
LOLgasmic123 9
Don't have sex in the missionary, don't have sex standing up...just don't do it promise! Alright everybody take some rubbers!!
Pandamonia88 9
I am confused.. that chlamydia thing is a "waiting" reference right? Anywho.. did they finish? it's just pain..
ObsessedWithGays 7
Mean Girls' quotes are too overused.
Cbizzlez 10
She doesn't even go here!
misspulkadot24 17
88-No. They're too fetch to be overused.
monagro 22
While if you won't have sex, you won't die.
Liamj774 36
He's almost too gay to function
rofdoc 14
101 - Stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen.
misspulkadot24 17
110- Are you acting that way because I'm the only one you've told about your nose job?
DKjazz 20
Coach Karr's got the facts straight. Statistically, everyone who has had sex and later became pregnant, has died. It's been proven time and time again.
soph_volleyball 11
88- but awesome
daniellepaigex3 7
Hahah! Mean girls, that is SO fetch
sugarbear0727 19
Pretty sure #2 is also referring to twilight. You know, Bella has sex with Edward, gets pregnant with half vamp spawn from hell, and dies after giving birth, then gets brought back to life as a vampire.
toughchick14 15
Well at least you know that the sex was 99.9% clean!
laya_fml 26
It'll be that damn .1% that will get to them.
ICastillo 25
Yeah, it always seems like the stragglers make it.
gc327072 31
~Blame the .1%! #occupy~
disisDebosbike 2
This comment has 69 likes xD Hopefully we can preserve this perfection!
Myo_fml 20
No, but maybe we can help yours reach 69 dislikes.
laya_fml 26
I officially was the 69th person to dislike your comment! You're welcome. On a different note, 36 would that be occupy ******? I'm a little scared by that idea/image.
tylermt1999 17
I was the 70th dislike!
SillyGirl4602 23
Why do so many people feel the need to keep the likes at 69? It is getting old.
FMLJFL 5
Well damn... At least it was still lubed?
LMFAOwned 9
The fact that it was lubed doesn't really justify all their pain..
MellyBee 9
Actually it wouldn't be lubed because hand sanitizer is alcohol-based and alcohol evaporates fairly quickly!
Cavebone 5
Or cleaner..
happle 21
I'd rather be filthy than have hand sanitizer in my ******.
Jakespeed207 4
Ooh... the mental image, man... did you start smoking by the friction?
U_GotitDude 18
Why were they so close together anyway?
happle 21
I actually like to be in a separate bed from my boyfriend when we have sex.
Jakespeed207 4
I bet that's a sight to see...
GracesDelirium 9
I think he meant the lube and hand sanitizer. XD
happle 21
Now I feel bad. 40 actually made a good point.
friedpwnadge 25
If you had gone unprotected it would have killed any sperm. And your ovaries. :)
lilhellian 27
Maybe I'm misreading, but you're saying unprotected sex kills sperm and ovaries? So how were we born?:O
chefinheels88 5
She's saying that the sanitizer would kill them, not the sex lol
Coop817 19
So if they used a condom AND hand sanitizer, the ovaries would still be safe?
thats_my_job 11
#28 and #16 it really wasn't that difficult. They would not have needed to use protection as the hand sanitizer would kill the sperm. The last thought about the ovaries indicates from then on they would not have to use protection as the ovaries would be killed too.
perdix 31
I'm guessing it will be you. Penises are rugged, little buggers :D
Coop817 19
I'm sure both of you will double check next time
crammer1 6
I almost put lube in my purse the other day thinking it was my mini bottle of sanitizer. Lol
CrikOgresmasher 19
I doubt it. I would have continued to keep them next to each other.
AwkwardPartyBear 24
Oh yeah! That clean and tingling sensation.
Sandsh8rk 36
The last person who used hand sanitiser as lube on FML had to wear an adult diaper for a week...